Author Archive for Chas

You Asked About: Emotional Infidelity Cheating Stop

Nancy asks…

I can’t stop feeling guilty!?

I read an article about emotional infidelity that triggered my OCD, and now I can’t stop obsessing over every little thought. I keep worrying I’ve emotionally cheated on my boyfriend, and that I’m a terrible person.

I found out my boyfriend was addicted to opiates (pain killers) and lied to me about it repeatedly over the course of over a year. This destroyed our trust, really upset me and I sort of emotionally withdrew from him and started casually talking to another friend for advice. It soon became readily obvious that my friend was “into me.” He would constantly flirt with me (nothing overt), and I would flirt back a bit.

I never met up with him, never spoke to him on the phone or anything. I can’t even say I developed anything of a crush on him at all. Certainly never developed any feelings for him. I mostly just liked the attention and encouraged it because I (immaturely) wanted to make my boyfriend jealous so we would shape up his behavior. I was completely honest and upfront with my boyfriend about this when it was all occurring. I never had any true interest in the other guy. I’ve expressed my worries to my boyfriend, and he says I’m overreacting and that I didn’t cheat and that it’s just my OCD acting up. What can I do to make it stop?!?!

Chas answers:

For what it’s worth you haven’t done anything wrong. Your boyfriend had a problem, and you needed support that he did not or could not give you. I for one am not clear on what the difference between an “emotional affair” and… A “friendship” is. You’re allowed to have friends. It’s not your fault if they are “into you” or not. You didn’t even act on it.

Anyways, as to what you can do: the only thing that works for me when I can’t stop obsessing over something is to tell myself “so what?” So what if you did have an emotional affair? Your boyfriend doesn’t think you cheated. And so what if he did? You’re still with him.

Even if you keep coming up with worst case scenarios, try to let go of the worry by repeating to yourself that “so what if such-and-such happens, so what if i did such-and-such”, every time you have a guilty thought.

Perhaps, if you really can’t handle this on your own, you could see a doctor or a therapist. Good luck!

March 12, 2012 | Chas | Comments 0

You Asked About: How Can I Tell My Wife Is Having An Affair

Mark asks…

How can I tell, or can I tell, if my wife is having an affair? Been married 16 years & now she wants a divorce

Chas answers:

Well, one of my friends found info on their computer. Checking their email is always a good indicator. If she didn’t leave any real noticable clues your best bet might be to hire a private investigater.

March 11, 2012 | Chas | Comments 0

You Asked About: Lawyerless Divorce

Paul asks…

Lawyerless Divorce?

I am in an affectionless marriage. I love my wife, but I am no longer in love with her and have not been for a number of years. I think she loves the security more than she loves me. While I have been faithful for 13 years, I have developed a relationship with someone I have known for 20 years which suddenly turned into an affair. I am in love with her.
I thought I would feel guilty, but I do not.

Moving forward, I would like this transition to have as little of an effect on my wife and kids as possible. Therefore I want them to be able to stay in the house. So I am planning on continuing the exact level of financial contribution as I do today, along with joint custody and responsibility for the children. Has anyone ever heard of something like this working?

Chas answers:

Yes, and although I don’t condone what you did, I DO (commend) you for your financial planning. Make sure you DEED the house to your wife & maintain the health insurance.

March 10, 2012 | Chas | Comments 0

You Asked About: Sign Of An Affair Is Over

Sharon asks…

Signing over parental rights?

My husband had an affair and we are trying to work through our relationship. The woman has not had the child yet, therefore we don’t know who the child belongs to.. They agreed on adoption and she now has had a change of heart. What can we do in order to sign over his parental rights if he is the father? He thought that she was going to go through with having the child adopted and this was a verbal agreement. We need help ASAP and don’t know where to start? If the child is his, does he have to sign the birth certificate?

Chas answers:

Hi, You are going through a situation that would’ve ended many marriages. I commend both of you for the love you share and the desire to work through this. If your husband is found to be the father, you both could be a part of this child’s life. Although adoption or relinquishing parental rights seems like an easy answer right now, the long-term effects on your husband could be detrimental to your relationship. He will always think about this child and wonder.

If you husband is the father, yes, he will pay child support. The courts do not allow a parent to relinquish their rights simply to avoid this. The mother is under no obligation to place the child for adoption, it is her choice. Honestly, a child deserves to grow up knowing both their parents and being loved by all. I can only imagine the pain you’ve gone through, I’m hoping you can forgive your husband and if he is the father, welcome the child.

I know this isn’t the answer you were hoping for. We’re all human. We make mistakes. What matters in life is how we handle the curves life sends our way.

March 09, 2012 | Chas | Comments 0

You Asked About: My Wife Is Having An Emotional Affair Help

Sharon asks…

MARRIAGE AND EMOTIONAL WIFE?

OK, My wife has told me that she does not love me anymore and is trying to make the marriage work one last time , but is doing it for the kids. She said i keep bringing up the same arguments over and over about the same issues. I told het its because i try to hard with no results so i get upset and the fights start. I have decided not to try anymore with her and just live like roomies untill we can sell the home and move on. I want nothing to do with her anymore. I should have divorced her 5 years ago when she had the affair with a man that lasted 1 year. What a mistake. I dont love her any more because of what she is doing . I tried to hug her again last night and she pulled awya and said…. its my body. She was fully clothed so i am clueless. If anyone can give me advice on how to stop chasing her and looking at her and thinking about her so much and having so much hope that will never come again , please help with advice or suggestions i could really use the help. If i can look the other way and just think about my9self for once, i will do great. I spend way too much time thinking of her and how to fix things…..

any sugesstions ????

Chas answers:

You said you didn’t love her anymore, you said you wanted nothing to do with her, you said you wished you had of divorced her long ago, so why do you need advice on how to stop chasing her? I thought you were over her?

In my opinion she doesn’t deserve to be chased by you, you stayed faithful while she went and had a LONG affair for a year. She let it go on that long without any sweat. Let the woman go, she is not worth it. If she really loved, respected and cared for you, she would have never done that behind your back.

March 08, 2012 | Chas | Comments 0

You Asked About: Husband Who Have Affairs

Thomas asks…

what happens to mormon husbands who have affairs?

if a mormon man i having an affair, what is likely to happen to him if he gets caught?

Chas answers:

He would likely loose his family (divorce), and he can be excommunicated

March 07, 2012 | Chas | Comments 0