If I accuse him without evidence or prematurely then it really becomes a matter of “he said, she said.”

Considering that I have been faithful for our ten years of marriage and that I want to be assured that I am right before I confront him on the issue I have confided in a few very close friends. The overall opinion (which I agree with) is that I need to catch him in the act, be able to provide hard evidence in black and white, and find the absolute proof. It’s been said that if I decide to divorce him over this it will go easier if I have the absolute and irrefutable proof.
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So I guess I am wondering exactly what I am supposed to do next. I know that there are all kinds of handy devices that can help me decipher his emails or instant messages, but I can’t say that I am all that technically savvy. I wouldn’t want to install something on his computer only for him to find out about it the next day.

Naturally, this is emotionally traumatic for me, so I am looking for some very simple, straightforward advice on what I should do next. My husband’s affair has the power to rip our family apart. The only way for me to empower myself is to hold the evidence in my hand. I can’t possibly hire a private investigator without him noticing the sudden expense. Please help send me in the right direction so that I can be absolutely sure and have the proof of infidelity in my hands before I confront him.

ANY ADVICE FOR THIS READER? COMMENT BELOW…

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My friend Janelle and I talked about all the different ways I could covertly catch him. She spent hours online helping me find just the right method. It was the spyware on the cell phone that finally nailed him. Tracking his car just helped me make sure I knew exactly where to show up and snap a few shots to throw in his lap.

Now that I know and can prove that I know, do I tell him that I know? Do I try to gather up more evidence? Should I go straight to a divorce attorney or should I run to a marriage counselor? I really don’t know exactly what I am supposed to do now other than sit here and be extremely angry.

How can this happen? How can someone just toss it all away? And why? I thought when I knew for sure that I would know exactly what I would do. It turns out all those violent fantasies are really just that. I am little more than a ball of angry confusion and can’t seem to make up my mind about something as simple as whether I am going to bother to eat dinner with him tonight.

Any type of guidance would really be appreciated. If you’ve been here, I am sure you know how desperate you become to prevent the situation from eating you alive. It’s more important than anything that I survive this, but I would survive better knowing that I was not the fool in the end.

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Online infidelity usually looks like any other form of online interaction, except that the emotional engagement is much higher. Flirting isn’t an emotional entanglement. An actual online affair, however, is likely to elicit stronger emotions and even emotional anguish during the process. The level of personal commitment to the online relationship can be the single biggest key factor in determining whether there is an online affair in the works or if there is just some simple flirtatious behaviors tracking the pair of chatters.

Online infidelity can cause more problems in many relationships than the old fashioned infidelity. Because there are so many grey areas when it comes to discovering exactly what online infidelity really is, the two people in the primary relationship often don’t even agree that there has been an infraction of trust or inappropriate behavior going on. Furthermore, many people hold the belief that the only way to be unfaithful is the have an actual sexual affair that involves two physically connecting bodies.

Emotional intimacy is often much deeper and more meaningful that mere sex, and since an strong emotional connection can be developed online, it is quite possible for someone to engage in online infidelity without ever touching the third party. When the emotional connection is strong enough to pull you away from your primary relationship, you are shortchanging the primary relationship. Thus, you are in fact, engaging in an emotional affair. So how can you break out of this cycle?

Facilitating an affair via a keyboard doesn’t make it any less painful for the partner who has remained faithful. The internet is just the methodology but it is not the cause. The cause comes from the person eliciting the online affair. Online cheating starts because two people are looking for an exciting emotional connection that can make them feel like they are truly falling in love. After all, falling in love is a very joyful experience that can change your entire outlook on life and where you are going with your life. That special excitement can make it easier to get out of bed in the morning, can make your own sex life with your primary partner much more intense (even though they have become just a stand in all of a sudden) and can make you feel sexy and attractive.

Many of us judge ourselves through the eyes that other people see us. When we engage in an online affair, we aren’t looking for someone to take us to the next level of we aren’t ready. We want to be desirable even in our anonymity. These feelings can make daily life more fun, exciting, and taken in stride with a better sense of self esteem. After all, you are being told that you are a truly worthwhile and amazing individual by the new affair. You are being told that you are highly worthy of the time and attention of other people that might outrank your partner in physical attractiveness.

Online infidelity is not the easiest place to come back from. Some couples split while other couples opt to work it out to the best of their abilities. If you’re dealing with online infidelity than the best you can do is to make decisions that are in your own best interest.

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1. Coping with Online Infidelity

There are many people who find this method of sexual contact to be comfortable in its anonymity. You can take on any persona, become the person you’d rather be in real life, and engage in any sexual activity in the safety of your own home.

It is almost all imaginary and thus can be a real turn on for a large percentage of the population.

However it can also be seen as an act of a betrayal by a partner or spouse who is excluded and kept in the dark as to what is going on.

Not everyone who engages in cyber sexual activity is guilty of having a cyber sexual addiction. One can engage in the activity without being an addict. Addictive behavior has some pretty definite guidelines and can be recognized when an individual starts exhibiting even just a few of these behaviors.

Addictive behavior involves lying or aversion to admitting the actual number of hours spent engaged in the activity and usually becomes rather obsessive. The time that is dedicated to the activity can overtake just about all other normal living activities. Missing work or school (teens can experience cybersexual addiction as well) and ignoring other commitments and requirements such as paying bills and cleaning up the house are symptoms of a rather deep addiction.

Cybersexual addiction is not usually something that overpowers a life all at once. Rather, most people develop their addiction over time. Because cybersex is an individual affair, the addiction can go unnoticed by others for a very long time.

Many single people suffering from a cybersexual addiction are not pinned into admitting their problem and getting help until their life becomes out of control. Losing cars, homes, jobs, and ending up completely bottomed out is not unusual for a single individual suffering from a cyber sexual addiction.

This addiction is becoming increasingly common. The convenience and the secrecy of the situation make it fairly easy for someone to become completely enthralled with this way of life. Just as alternative cyber lives such as Second Life can become all consuming and overtake a life, anyone can fall prey to cybersex addiction in the very same way. It opens up a whole new way to explore sexual fantasies and it allows those who never developed a healthy sexual attitude to engage privately in their sexual curiosities and desires.

Fortunately, the issue has become a bit more out in the open and more people are finding help before they have allowed their entire life to run out of control. Instead, cyber based help lines, group and individual therapies in brick and mortar buildings, and even the education of friends and family is making a huge difference in the lives of those suffering from a cyber sexual hang up. Online help is usually the first place a self motivated individual will look for help, although some people need to strictly limit their contact with their computer. Private, confidential therapies are available and are effective at helping people overcome their problem.

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1. Getting it on in Cyber Space. Is it cheating when she’s not in the room?
2. Coping with Online Infidelity

The first sign of emotional infidelity is your partner’s sudden desire to spend more time away from you and more time toward someone else, even if that time is spent online or on the phone. There is a sense of withdrawal from you, a sense that your partner isn’t really there and present with you while he or she seems a little happier than normal.

It’s like you start living parallel lives rather than a life together. It can happen without a lot of warning. Sometimes it just seems that your partner has found a new friend or is going through an emotional rebirth of sorts. The problem is that you are being left out of the process and you can feel it.

Emotional infidelity can happen without a lot of awareness on either partner’s side until the emotional intimacy with the third party is well grounded. By then, you have been feeling left out, somewhat alone, and have a sense of loss of emotional connection with your partner.

There are some more obvious signs, like overhearing phone conversations that reveal intimate details that you are unaware of or finding chats on the computer that seem extremely personal. It should be noted that many partners are totally blown away to find that their partner is experiencing emotional intimacy with a friend of the same gender. With attitudes changing and more relaxed attitudes sweeping the country, many individuals are finding that they suddenly have the freedom to explore intimate emotional feelings that a special friend might elicit.

Some people find some comfort in emotional infidelity with a same sex friend and others find it even more distressing. Anyone with curiosity can fall into an emotionally entangled relationship without ever taking it to a physical level.

Emotional infidelity can usually only be detected and confirmed when you catch your partner in the act. You might have your suspicions as the distance between the two of you grows and the emotional bond to their new friend grows to undeniable levels. It is not always easy to deal with, but many couples can bounce back from emotional infidelity once the problem has been identified.

Many people who indulge in emotional infidelity are not quite as conscious of their actions as they would be of physical infidelity simply because there is such a fine line between confiding in a friend and blossoming a purely spiritual and emotional relationship. Some people do not recognize it until it actually causes a problem.

If you suspect that your partner is engaging in emotional infidelity, the best course of action is to express your needs for more emotional connection on an ever increasing level until the true intentions of your partner are realized.

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1. Dealing with Emotional Infidelity
2. Is an Emotional Affair the Same as Cheating?
3. What is ‘Emotional’ Infidelity?

Perhaps there is a tinge of truth to this, but this means that the “innocent” partner is just as liable as the partner that stepped outside the relationship. That might be reasonable under some circumstances, but what about the partner who decides to step out because his or her needs aren’t being met because their significant other is working 100 hour weeks in order to dig the family out from under? One person can only deliver so much.

A relationship is always a two way street. Each partner is responsible for their own actions and their own feelings. Each partner is also responsible for their own actions. If you hit me am I in the right if I hit you back? Is it your fault that I hit you, even though you hit me first? For some people these are complicated, grey area questions. For others, these are very black and white, right and wrong questions.

There are a number of situations that can lead to the end of a relationship, such as drifting apart and the inability to effectively communicating. Even the simple act of falling out of love could end a relationship. Infidelity happens when one partner wants to be the chronic center of all relationships in their life.

Anyone can meet someone who might be better suited to them, can fall in love with a coworker, or can start exploring new sexual interests without including their partner. In almost all cases, the infidelity is a result of the cheating partner not wanting to relinquish the perks of the original relationship. Usually the motivation is financial or situational.

Many couples, even unhappy couples, have developed a rather comfortable lifestyle. It can be scary for some people to break away from the security of that lifestyle and a comfortable if not rather boring relationship when they can get their excitement on the side. However, infidelity is not always about the end of the primary relationship. Sometimes people just like the danger of it all.

Regardless of what the reasons are, infidelity is a selfish action. It is an action that undermines that well being of another person. Falling in love, looking for excitement, or taking on daring sexual exploits are all reasons to end the primary relationship in order to pursue something that might make one happier.

The bottom line is that no matter what the reason for the infidelity might be, the partner that wants to make changes to the relationship is responsible for giving the information to the other partner. We are all responsible for our own actions and our actions are derived from our own desire to take care of ourselves.

In a committed relationship, each partner has an obligation to let the other know if their desires or intentions have changed. It is up to each partner whether that information means the relationship is over or if there is still a reason for continuing it. There are many relationships that wander in and out of monogamy and everyone is perfectly satisfied with the outcome. There are other relationships that require monogamy as part of the deal.

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Anyone can upload a photo and claim that it’s a photo of themselves so there is never any guarantee that this is really the person you are talking with. Other similar lines of thought include that the other person poses no threat since their presence is only online. It’s not real!

However by many people’s standards online flirting is just as disrespectful to the relationship as flirting with someone in the brick and mortar world. Flirting, while often fun and generally harmless, can send the message that the relationship is really not all that secure. It leaves too much room for interpretation, including that the flirter has a wandering eye and has the potential for straying.

While this is not generally factual, as flirting with someone can be a harmless way of helping someone feel good about themselves, there is just too much room for different interpretations. It’s best to leave the flirting behind.

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With today’s technological advances it is not too difficult to catch a cheating husband. Many women have even been able to elicit help from his co-workers, even mutual friends, in order to surreptitiously slip spy software onto one or all of his computers. Not everyone has this choice, so the chances are that you are going to have to pick one computer to spy on in order to catch the guy.

Cheats (believe it or not) are usually looking to get caught, think that they are above getting caught, or really aren’t concerned with the potential consequences of their actions i.e getting caught! So catching the guy might be a lot easier than you think!

Target his main computer.

Most men have access to three computers. They usually have a computer at the office or workplace, a laptop, and the family computer.Try to work out which computer he seems to be spending more time on than usual so that you can track the right one.

Of course, getting any kind of software onto his computer at the office undetected is a little difficult. At least, that is, until you learn how to slip tracking software code in with that cute picture of Junior with spaghetti all over his face that you are about to email to him! It’s all a question of degree and what your budget is. A private investigator could probably help you on this one.

With the right technical support, any software company can help you through the process of slipping spyware onto his computer. If you can get it through via a tracking program, you can read all of his computers and keep tabs on his online activities no matter which computer he is on. But maybe that’s a bit too advanced for you. But nothing’s impossible!

Be prepared for all the negative stuff you’re going to hear once the spyware is successfully installed. You might find that you learn how stressed out he is at work, that he talks about your sex life or lack thereof with his friends, or that he is really an a-hole in print. Whatever you learn, never tip your hand before you have actual physical proof of an affair that can not be explained away. Otherwise, he will get wise to your attempts to rifle through his computer files and uninstall your software or shut down your tracking program before you have a chance to gather up enough proof of an actual affair.

While communication and honesty would be the resolution preferred to spying in order to catch him out, honesty only works when everyone is interested in spilling the beans. Since that rarely happens, you will most likely have better luck catching an unfaithful partner with PC software.

Just remember that your interactions will most likely also be saved and kept by the virus or spyware you installed on the family computer. If your behavior hasn’t been perfectly blissful lately and you’ve been flirting with trouble, you might want to consider how to move forward without upsetting the apple cart before you are ready.

Related posts:

1. 11 Signs Of A Cheating Husband

Most people who experience infidelity go through a myriad of emotions from anger to devastation to even a little bit of guilt. The strength of these emotions can be highly overpowering. You can feel angry enough to want to cause physical or emotional pain even though you probably know that it won’t assuage the feelings that you are experiencing.

The first step in surviving infidelity is to find an outlet for all the feelings that you are experiencing. A friend’s ear or a therapist work for some while sports or journaling/diary writing work for others. I believe a combination of outlets works best. A little talking, a little physical exertion, and a little self reflective exercises can be very effective in working things out. There is no denying that you have been wronged, but most of the time the wrong that was done has absolutely nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the person that cheated on you.

I knew a woman once who went and had an affair when she caught her husband having an affair. While it is not something I would recommend, this eye for an eye deal seemed to work for them. They remained married until his death 15 years later and not another word was spoken about it. Again, it’s not my style but if it works for your relationship, who am I to judge that?

Most people who need help surviving infidelity do not always recognize the legitimacy of their feelings. They feel as though their feelings are running them over and they don’t realize that these feelings are part of the process. The reason that people surviving infidelity have such issues is that they tend to feel as though the foundation that they built their life around was false. It wasn’t. The foundation that the life was built around had everything to do with what you wanted from life, and your perception of it. If your partner stepped away from that, then your foundation and beliefs are still the same.

Deciding to move forward with your life usually happens after you’ve experienced your feelings and figured out how you want to respond to the infidelity. There is a process to dealing with your emotions and making decisions day by day. You don’t have to make any permanent decision until you feel like it.

Every day, whether you’re talking about the actions of a committed partner, a traffic accident, or the tragedy of a loved one, harsh stimulus is thrown our direction and we feel we must figure out how to respond to it on a permanent level. There is no rule that says you can’t simply take things day by day and try to make the best decisions for you along the way.

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1. Coping with Online Infidelity

Most women need help in confronting the other woman. Do you charge at her like a bull on a rampage? Should you reason with her? This is an emotional issue and emotional issues usually run into emotional behavior. It’s very difficult to contain the anger, hurt, and the sense of betrayal you might feel when confronting the other woman. However, the more your can keep your emotions under wraps the more headway you are likely to make in two areas. First, you may very well glean some information that turns out to be valuable in your decision making process. Second, you might be able to come to terms with the other woman’s culpability.

Before you confront the other woman, decide what you want to get out of the deal. If you want to find out her motivations, her intentions, and her own personal knowledge of the relationship she is stepping into you will achieve your goal better if you have an actual goal. If you are just out to create a scene and vent your anger then you will most likely only have one confrontation that ends poorly. Venting your anger at the other woman isn’t really going to accomplish much. Unless you have her ear for days on end, there will always be more to say than you thought of at the moment of the confrontation.

Fortunately, there are ways to confront the other woman without blowing your sense of dignity or lunging toward a long winded but useless rampage. If she is willing, set up a meeting time with her so that you can enter the situation with some amount of organization. Make notes of the hot points and even questions that you want to put on the table during the confrontation. Let her know that you are willing to hear her out because you will most likely be able to be heard that way. If you both claim to love the same person, emotions will run harder but if you both agree to talk to each other like women you might be able to come away with a renewed sense of self and understanding regarding your relationship.

It is not uncommon for many confrontations to put the relationship in question into a new light. There may be information or thoughts that come to the surface that make you start to question whether being in a relationship with someone who was so willing to step out is something that you really want to involve yourself in. In many cases, the other woman ends up just as behind the proverbial “love eight ball” as you, just in different ways. Confronting the other woman may or may not get you what you want, but you are almost always guaranteed a new perspective if you can keep your head during the confrontation.

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