» Q & A

You Asked About: Husband Having Affair At Work

Chas — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 03:05:15 +0000

Ruth asks…

caught my husband having a affair. what do i do now?

exactly one week ago i came home from work to find my husband having a affair with our neighbor.. I have done so much for my husband and our family , he does not work , i have been providning for our family for almost 4 years now.. I have always felt so in love with him .. did anything he asked or gave him anything he wanted..the day it happend.. i was a total mess .. i was in shock.. crying to the floor as if there was a death .. i could not even believe what i was seeing.. I had made him leave (by polie escort) .. i was devastated.. and still am .. seeing him with another lady turned my world upsede down .. he knew the pain he had caused me.. but at that time of being caught he was not sorry .,.. but instead rude and said well it was over anyways !.. he eventually left and later sent me a message saying sorry and he never meant to hurt me and wanted a second chance and would do anything.. the neighbor was a bit upset because im thinking she thought she would get him now that it was in the open.. she told me all ther secrets.. she said he was telling her that he loved her and was already referring to her as BABE ! i was told that the affair was going on for months .. while i was at work .. he would go next door…well the last 2 days we have been talking .. but i have major trust issues now.. i moved out of the house and he went to his familys house.. he said he wanted to fix things but acts like it is my fault . he is acting irratted that i ask him where he is or who he is with .. he is telling me that he will not put up with all the questions…. its obvious that i love him … but do i let him go ? and if so .. how do i cope ? im still in shock from what he did to our family .. and then to deal with never having him in my life again … but he is not making me feel like he is sorry or regrets it…some one please help me … im so lost and …. scared to loose him .. or scared to admit that is is and was already over????

Chas answers:

It sounds like you no what to do. He did something wrong. He needs to feel sorry what is so hard about telling you where he is. You sound like you would make an appreciative man very happy. He took you for granted. You deserve better if he was sorry he would have been when he was getting caught. Not an ass. You deserve better. He’s a piece of s.h.I.t do not be with him. You don’t want your kids to grow up thinking its ok to be unemployed and a bad life partner. Be strong. Again you do not deserve that. And in your own home. If he had any respect for you or cared for you the slightest bit he would have at the very least kept it out of the house you share. And wouldn’t say he loves her even if he doesn’t. If he really cared GED be kissing your ass telling you where he is what he’s doing when he’s don’t and what color his boxers are. Before he cheated that would be crazy and obsessive but for a while he needs to earn your trust and he’s not. Leave him good luck be strong its not once a Cheater always a cheater but its not sorry now wont be later. Please being with him would be a mistake. Where you really happy? That has alot to do with your decision as well. Good luck in whatever you decide and remember you have your children

You Asked About: How To Know My Wife Having An Affair

Chas — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:05:42 +0000

Sharon asks…

Is my wife having an affair with her male Gay friend??? PLZ be Serious bcz this might lead to a divorce?

Last Sunday he posted a picture of her with him holding her by the hips and their faces robbing on Face book. A few minutes later, she removed the post so I would not see it. When she got home I confronted her but she claim it was nothing so I asked her why she tried to hide the pic, she dance around my Q?; by the way she spent the night the pictures was taken at her friend’s house with our 2 daughters. Naturally I went trough her cell text messages and what I found was kind of crazy.
*In the past she has invited him to their gym swimming pool….
*Most of his messages to her ends with (my love, Hun, love U). she says that how gay man are….
*last December, She invited him to my house when I was out of the country for a month, but claim he came to dinner with few other friends but I didn’t see a similar message to those friends the same day.
* She invited him to him to come her to church even-though he is gay….
* She posted a picture of a group of them in swimsuit at our neighborhood swimming pool as her profile Picture on FaceBook until I told her to take it off….
Anyways I hate to accuse her of wrong doing especially knowing that my 3 and 4 year old daughters
will be the biggest losers in this whole thing.
Last week I didn’t talk to her for 4 days, so she cried a lot and wrote me a long letter explaining how she loves me and she loves God and how she would never cheat on me….
I’m just confuse….

Chas answers:

I’m really sorry to hear about the kinds of problems you’re having with your wife. Reading your post left me with a sinking feeling in my gut. I’ll try to be as objective as I can. Remember, this is only my opinion.

Have you ever heard the term “emotional infidelity”? It’s used to describe a spouse who is actively engaged in a strong, flirtatious, emotionally charged (but not, or not yet, physically sexual) relationship with some one of the opposite sex outside of their marriage. It can involve many activities together, frequent, often intimate, communication, extra time away from home, and secretive behaviors to the complete exclusion of the other spouse. The “straying” spouse partially, or even completely, cuts off genuine emotional connection and honest communication with their marriage partner, in favor of “emotional fulfillment” with the outside person. It may be that her emotional needs were not being met, either because of the structure of your marriage, or possibly lack of attention on your part, or possibly that she isn’t fully invested in your marriage or may not be emotionally mature enough for a marriage commitment.

Her behaviors are definitely of concern, some are very disturbing. Invitations to swim, attend church, and even to come over for a visit/dinner are typical and common friendship activities, but taken in context with other behaviors of hers, merit some concern. On the other hand, pictures of her and her friend in close physical contact that she did not originally make you aware of are disturbing, and the idea that she tried to hide them from you after the fact and could not give you a reasonable explanation is very disturbing. Did you say that she spent the night at her gay male friend’s house? What was her explanation? Were you out of town? Did she voluntarily tell you this at that time, or did you discover it later on your own? Under any circumstances, spending the night at his house, without your prior knowledge and then trying to hide pictures taken that evening from you is absolutely unacceptable behavior. For me, the thing that really stands out is that she has tried to hide some of these things from you and omitted others. In a healthy marriage there is openness and honesty, and a genuine desire to share the great things about our other friends and our experiences with them.

“My love”, “Hun”, “love U” are declarations of love and affection that are very personal and go beyond simple friendship, and it doesn’t matter what the author’s sexual orientation is, gay, straight, or bisexual. These statements stand on their own.

Posting a profile picture on Facebook is a public statement that says, “This is who I am and these are the people who are important to me and that I want to be recognized with”. If one is married and genuinely loves their spouse, shouldn’t that be the person in the picture that they want everyone to know about?

I don’t know your wife, and I can’t judge her. Nor do I know you or anything about your marriage and family other than what’s written here. It is, however, abundantly clear that there are some serious problems here, whatever they turn out to be. At face value, my impression is that your wife seems to have some major problems with her emotional priorities, the both of you probably need to take a look at your own part in problems within your marriage, and it seems like you might have some difficulty sorting out what you see.

The only thing that I can suggest is that the both of you seek some QUALIFIED marriage counseling. I hope there is something in here that was helpful to you. Best of luck.

Edward

You Asked About: Honey Trap Girls

Chas — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 03:05:39 +0000

Nancy asks…

How horrible is this and where do they learn this behaviour from?

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090708/tuk-honey-trap-girl-guilty-of-murder-6323e80.html

Chas answers:

It is very horrible.

You Asked About: How To Spy On People

Chas — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:06:33 +0000

Daniel asks…

Why do people spy against their own country?

We see it on TV all the time people in the US government spying but why? How could someone turn on their own country? How does someone be recruited to spy and gather information for another country? If i work at the FBI and i refuse an higher position because it requires and lie detector test shouldn’t that be a sign that that person could be passing information to a foreign government? Think about it how many people would turn down an promotion or pay raise? and why do it take our government so long to find Americans passing information to other governments? And should people who sell information to other government be executed or go to jail for the rest of their lives?

Chas answers:

Money
They have been blackmailed
Revenge (e.g. For some “wrong” they feel the country or it’s government did to them)
Ideology (e.g. Disagreement with the policies of their country)
etc.

You Asked About: To Catch Bait

Chas — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:05:40 +0000

Thomas asks…

Surefire way to catch small fish for bait?

I can’t stand getting packed and all without bait, and having to depend on myself being able to catch bait. So I need a surefire way, Which is the best? Probably a cast net, right?

Chas answers:

A cast net is certainly effective, but I could never master throwing the darn things myself and believe me I tried. I have two methods that have very very seldom failed me when going after live bait.

1. Use a Sabiki rig appropriate to the size of bait you are attempting to get. If you are not catching the bait fast enough try chumming the water a little bit or tip the hooks with small pieces of shrimp.

2. This was my favorite in California. By several size 20 gold treble hooks and tie them directly to the line. Chum the water with finely ground shrimp or muscle and jig through the chum slick. The hooks are so small they barely get under the fishes scales and you can catch smelt, shiner perch, herring, queen fish amongst others.

Give this a try. You will not be dis appointed. A word of caution. On more than one occasion I have had large fish slam a bait fish while I was “catching bait.” As usual, a big fish on such light tackle can be quite an experience. Enjoy and good luck catching.

You Asked About: What Is Emotional Infidelity In Marriage

Chas — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 03:06:01 +0000

Mandy asks…

How do I save my marriage, when she doesnt seem interested in saving it?

Technically we are not married but have been in a committed relationship with a woman that I am madly in love with for just over ten years. We have two children ages 8, a girl and 6 a boy. We are both awesome parents. About 4 weeks ago I felt as though she was distancing herself from me, initially I had thought she might be having an affair. When I questioned her about it she became really upset but assured me there was no affair. I have always had a very good ability to tell when shes not being completely truthful or forthcoming. I believed her 100% and we made love over the next couple weeks that was as good as or better than it had ever been. Then she went on a trip out of the state to the town where she grew up. During her trip I became obsessed with the possibility that she may never come back. She seemed to ignore me when I would text and call and so thoughts of infidelity swirled around in my head again. On the last day of her trip we had a nice heart to heart in which she said I needed to stop acting weird. That I was her man and she wasn’t going anywhere. I felt relieved and couldn’t wait to see her when she got back. She got back, more welcome home lovemaking and all seemed right with the world. Two days later we were engaged in a conversation about our future wedding plans. We had to make a decision on deposits and what not. We decided not to give deposits and delay the day of our wedding. It was okay but it made me press her with the events of the last few weeks still strong in my mind I asked if we were making these decisions because we were being fiscally responsible or was there something else. I could tell by the look on her face she was holding something back. So I pressed again. “Are we okay?” is what I asked. She said “I don’t feel the same.”. “about what?” I asked. “About you” was her response. She said that she isn’t happy here and wants to move back to where she grew up. The long and the short of it is that she says she no longer loves me. She says that she loves who I am and as the dad to our kids but not as a mate or companion anymore. Devastated is the only word I can use to respond to the emotions I feel. Its been 6 days since she told me this and she had agreed to go to couples counseling. SCORE! It really gave me some hope and even though I had been sharing the same bed with her and really conducting our life as if nothing had happened, I have been an emotional wreck. My behaviors are erratic. One minute Im laughing and joking with her the next Im sobbing like a baby. So I had pretty much put my hope into counseling. She has a job that has amazing benefits and to her she is able to get 8 hour long sessions of counseling. So we had inquired about the sessions and out of the blue she told me yesterday that she is going to go to a session by herself first and then together. So now because of my erratic behavior I immediately begin to think that she wants to talk about me without me hearing it or wants to tell the therapist that she doesn’t really want to go to counseling and that shes just there to appease me. If I were in a rational state of mind I might actually be able to hold on to the idea that she may just be having a mid-life crisis and is directing her frustrations towards me, as has been suggested by friends. So I don’t know what to do. I sleep 3 hours a night if Im lucky, I haven’t eaten one piece of food in six days, I stopped smoking. I constantly have to bring our situation with her and I know without a doubt she is becoming increasingly frustrated with all my behaviors. I love her completely and with all my heart and would be willing to do anything to change her mind. I commend anyone getting through all this let alone actually leaving me an answer. Those of you that do however, I thank you.

Chas answers:

That is a very sad situation it sounds like you are very committed to this woman and your children. Couples counseling is a great idea and a step in the right direction. You shouldn’t be worried about her going to see the counselor alone– any good counselor will not show any sort of bias no matter what your wife expresses during her first visit. Ten years is a long time to be with someone and i have often heard that the 10th year is one of the toughest to get through. The most important thing try not to be emotional at home its not healthy for the kids or the relationship. Let her know that you want to be with her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes for her to be happy–even if that means moving back to her home town. It sounds like she might be depressed and maybe struggling within herself with something more personal. Counseling should help her work it out and in turn solve the problems within the relationship. Keep up the communication, stay committed, and continue being supportive. Good luck

You Asked About: Surviving Infidelity Forum

Chas — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 03:05:28 +0000

Maria asks…

Surviving infidelity website/forums :)?

Hmm, now I joined over a year ago and i posted a joke, I thought it was funny… but it was on the betrayed spouse forums so yeah not a good idea…the mods slaughtered me plus half of the bs’s

And I try and try and try to make an account… nope doesnt let me and I’m not blocked from there anymore, and from different computers too, I just want to give advice, I have helped my friends dealing with this and they turned out to thank me and feel better about themselves. But I can’t join :(, any suggestions?
No ready… I like that one… it’s funny.. you should read it, some posts are hilarious… the general ones.. dont go into bs or you’ll start crying.. i did :(

Chas answers:

SI is a serious site !!!
You can not joke with other peoples feelings.
The fact you have been banned, means you are banned for life. I am sorry, but there are too many hurt people that truly need help not jokes about how they feel.

Until you have walked in those shoes you can never help anyone that is living through it.

Some day you will understand !

You Asked About: Spotting The Signs Of Infidelity

Chas — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:05:39 +0000

Joseph asks…

what do these lyrics to this song mean? i dont get it?

The Quiet Screaming by The Legion of Doom

I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we’d have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home
I’m cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you’re not alone, and you’re not discreet
Make sure I know who’s taking you home.

I’m reading your note over again
And there’s not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
I will love you always and forever

I’m missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you’re as happy as you’re pretending.

I’m cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
and I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we’d have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

We saw the western coast
I saw the hospital
Nursed the shoreline like a wound
Reports of lover’s tryst
Were neither clear nor descript
We kept it safe and slow
The quiet things that no one ever knows

So keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground
Today’s the day it gets tired
Today’s the day we drop down
Gave up my body and bed
All for an empty hotel
Wasting words on lower cases and capitals

Well as for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you’re making out
but as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone
Making out.

I’m missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you’re as happy as you’re pretending.

I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we’d have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

and iiii….

(Your hair, it’s everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.)

Chas answers:

Sounds to me like this person was left for somebody else and now misses the ex, but avoids the places they might be because its painful…also is drinking & wondering where things went wrong.

You Asked About: Signs Of Having A Boy

Chas — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:05:46 +0000

Carol asks…

what are some signs for boy and girl babies?

i have a lot of cramping im my legs thay swell and are red in some parts….my face swells also and im FAT are these signs boy or girl

Chas answers:

A lot of people say that if you carry the baby high up front ( like a big basket ball) it’s a boy, but if you carry the baby low and gain weight all around, it’s a girl. This is not always true, but some people go by it. Also, they say that a baby with a higher heart rate is a girl.

You Asked About: How To Know When Ur High

Chas — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:06:39 +0000

George asks…

What was the drug situation at ur high school?

How easy was it for you to score drugs? did any of your friends do it? did it eveer get out of control? did u witness any drug dealings? if u wanted drugs, could you get it within the school? what type of drugs were at your school? how did the adminstration handle it?

I can answer yes to all of these questions when it comes to my school, my school is up into heroine and its scary seeing kids uve known since grade school get f’d up like that

Chas answers:

Very easy, for sure my friends did it, never out of control, I saw alot of dealings, I could get it in the school, everything was there crack, weed, e, salvia, the administration brought dogs into the school several times a year, lots of kids get busted but thats just the chance you take holding drugs.

End prohibiton its not working, and if you end prohibition you will end the drug war.