» Those Cheating Tales

Husband’s Affair at Work – Discovered! Now What Do I Do?

Chas — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 18:10:28 +0000

I knew it! My husband, Gerry, and I have been married for almost 16 years and out of the blue he started up an affair with his colleague. It took me a few months to figure out how to make sure that I caught him, red handed, and with her.

My friend Janelle and I talked about all the different ways I could covertly catch him. She spent hours online helping me find just the right method. It was the spyware on the cell phone that finally nailed him. Tracking his car just helped me make sure I knew exactly where to show up and snap a few shots to throw in his lap.

Now that I know and can prove that I know, do I tell him that I know? Do I try to gather up more evidence? Should I go straight to a divorce attorney or should I run to a marriage counselor? I really don’t know exactly what I am supposed to do now other than sit here and be extremely angry.

How can this happen? How can someone just toss it all away? And why? I thought when I knew for sure that I would know exactly what I would do. It turns out all those violent fantasies are really just that. I am little more than a ball of angry confusion and can’t seem to make up my mind about something as simple as whether I am going to bother to eat dinner with him tonight.

Any type of guidance would really be appreciated. If you’ve been here, I am sure you know how desperate you become to prevent the situation from eating you alive. It’s more important than anything that I survive this, but I would survive better knowing that I was not the fool in the end.

ANY ADVICE FOR THIS READER? COMMENT BELOW…

What is Online Infidelity? Does it really exist?

Chas — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:41:16 +0000

What is the difference between a little harmless online flirting and actual online infidelity? The information age brought with it a great many moral questions that have been difficult for people to answer, and this one ranks up there with the top five questions.

Online infidelity usually looks like any other form of online interaction, except that the emotional engagement is much higher. Flirting isn’t an emotional entanglement. An actual online affair, however, is likely to elicit stronger emotions and even emotional anguish during the process. The level of personal commitment to the online relationship can be the single biggest key factor in determining whether there is an online affair in the works or if there is just some simple flirtatious behaviors tracking the pair of chatters.

Online infidelity can cause more problems in many relationships than the old fashioned infidelity. Because there are so many grey areas when it comes to discovering exactly what online infidelity really is, the two people in the primary relationship often don’t even agree that there has been an infraction of trust or inappropriate behavior going on. Furthermore, many people hold the belief that the only way to be unfaithful is the have an actual sexual affair that involves two physically connecting bodies.

Emotional intimacy is often much deeper and more meaningful that mere sex, and since an strong emotional connection can be developed online, it is quite possible for someone to engage in online infidelity without ever touching the third party. When the emotional connection is strong enough to pull you away from your primary relationship, you are shortchanging the primary relationship. Thus, you are in fact, engaging in an emotional affair. So how can you break out of this cycle?

Facilitating an affair via a keyboard doesn’t make it any less painful for the partner who has remained faithful. The internet is just the methodology but it is not the cause. The cause comes from the person eliciting the online affair. Online cheating starts because two people are looking for an exciting emotional connection that can make them feel like they are truly falling in love. After all, falling in love is a very joyful experience that can change your entire outlook on life and where you are going with your life. That special excitement can make it easier to get out of bed in the morning, can make your own sex life with your primary partner much more intense (even though they have become just a stand in all of a sudden) and can make you feel sexy and attractive.

Many of us judge ourselves through the eyes that other people see us. When we engage in an online affair, we aren’t looking for someone to take us to the next level of we aren’t ready. We want to be desirable even in our anonymity. These feelings can make daily life more fun, exciting, and taken in stride with a better sense of self esteem. After all, you are being told that you are a truly worthwhile and amazing individual by the new affair. You are being told that you are highly worthy of the time and attention of other people that might outrank your partner in physical attractiveness.

Online infidelity is not the easiest place to come back from. Some couples split while other couples opt to work it out to the best of their abilities. If you’re dealing with online infidelity than the best you can do is to make decisions that are in your own best interest.

Spotting Emotional Infidelity Signs – It ain’t that hard!

Chas — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:29:29 +0000

Spotting emotional infidelity signs can be just as traumatic as spotting signs of a sexual affair. Emotional infidelity can carry a harsh sting, as the rationale that “it was just sex” flies right out the window. Emotional infidelity is a clear sign that your partner is sharing of him or herself in some of the most intimate ways that far outweigh the sharing of body parts.

The first sign of emotional infidelity is your partner’s sudden desire to spend more time away from you and more time toward someone else, even if that time is spent online or on the phone. There is a sense of withdrawal from you, a sense that your partner isn’t really there and present with you while he or she seems a little happier than normal.

It’s like you start living parallel lives rather than a life together. It can happen without a lot of warning. Sometimes it just seems that your partner has found a new friend or is going through an emotional rebirth of sorts. The problem is that you are being left out of the process and you can feel it.

Emotional infidelity can happen without a lot of awareness on either partner’s side until the emotional intimacy with the third party is well grounded. By then, you have been feeling left out, somewhat alone, and have a sense of loss of emotional connection with your partner.

There are some more obvious signs, like overhearing phone conversations that reveal intimate details that you are unaware of or finding chats on the computer that seem extremely personal. It should be noted that many partners are totally blown away to find that their partner is experiencing emotional intimacy with a friend of the same gender. With attitudes changing and more relaxed attitudes sweeping the country, many individuals are finding that they suddenly have the freedom to explore intimate emotional feelings that a special friend might elicit.

Some people find some comfort in emotional infidelity with a same sex friend and others find it even more distressing. Anyone with curiosity can fall into an emotionally entangled relationship without ever taking it to a physical level.

Emotional infidelity can usually only be detected and confirmed when you catch your partner in the act. You might have your suspicions as the distance between the two of you grows and the emotional bond to their new friend grows to undeniable levels. It is not always easy to deal with, but many couples can bounce back from emotional infidelity once the problem has been identified.

Many people who indulge in emotional infidelity are not quite as conscious of their actions as they would be of physical infidelity simply because there is such a fine line between confiding in a friend and blossoming a purely spiritual and emotional relationship. Some people do not recognize it until it actually causes a problem.

If you suspect that your partner is engaging in emotional infidelity, the best course of action is to express your needs for more emotional connection on an ever increasing level until the true intentions of your partner are realized.

Is Your Wife Cheating On You?

Chas — Sat, 02 May 2009 15:41:41 +0000

Even thinking about the fact that your wife may be cheating on you can be heartbreaking and devastating enough. If you suspect cheating and infidelity in your marriage, there are usually signs, or hints, beyond your “gut feeling” that she may be seeing other men.

Here are a few signs of a cheating wife that I am most asked about on this site:

Unexplained behavior or ambiguous responses to direct questions
Secretive phone conversations
She starts deleting her computer history when she hasn’t in the past
A sudden decrease in communication
Changes in her sexual preferences or drive
Starting arguments for no apparent reasons
Changes in her daily routines
A renewed interest in her physical appearance
Going out with friends more often
She suddenly has an interest in being away from the house

Look for changes in attitudes and any comments or remarks that your wife makes toward you. Does she attempt to get you out of the house, or does she bolt for the door every time you come home? Try offering to go out together, maybe for a date night, or just a quick lunch. If your wife uses examples like, “I have plans” or, “I don’t feel like going out”, especially on an ongoing basis, there is good reason to believe that she is hiding something.

Usually when one person in the relationship is starting fights with the other one, there is something wrong in the couple’s relationship. Disagreements, and even the occasional verbal spat are common in relationships, but when this is constantly happening, your spouse is probably hiding something from you. Aggression in this form may also be a sign of guilt.

If you have a good relationship with your wife’s friends, you could try asking them about your wife’s behavior. While their loyalties may remain with your wife, you may be able to gauge your mutual friends’ reactions to see if there is something worth worrying about. Also, if your wife is using her friends as an excuse to be out and about all the time — you may be able to catch your wife in a lie by talking to her friends.

While it’s a terrible feeling to even think that your wife may be cheating on you, living with the constant doubt is even worse. In order for you to keep your own health and sanity, you either need to get proof of an affair or infidelity, and then confront your spouse, or choose to put your feelings aside and trust that her whole heart is yours.

I Cheat But Don’t Know Why?

Chas — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:01:23 +0000

Here’s what Tim had to say to me recently:

“I’m cheating on my wife but don’t know what to do!”

Tim’s in an especially difficult position because his wife doesn’t know ( but Tim wants to confess to ‘start afresh’ )… unfortunately his girlfriend WANTS him to tell his wife so they (girlfriend and Tim) can be a legit couple! Wow! Complicated!

Thing is that if Tim wanted to leave his wife for his girlfriend then, while difficult, it’s do-able.

But Tim wants to ditch the girlfriend and stay with his wife. He can’t see how that can ever happen. He’s pretty sure as soon as he ditches the girlfriend she’ll go all ‘bunny boiler‘ on him and contact the wife out of spite.

The wife, as yet, knows nothing and thinks she’s in a normal faithful marriage.

Tim is worried that the girlfriend is going to ‘spill the beans’ to his wife to encourage Tim to move in with her full-time. He knows he’s got to come clean and fast!

Looks like Tim is f***ed either way – what do YOU think? Your advice can be for Tim, the wife, the girlfriend or all three…

Why Valentine’s day is the best day to catch a cheat online or off!

Chas — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 19:33:41 +0000

It’s the Valentine’s day Massacre!

The wife had a feeling her husband was up to no good!

On Valentine’s Day, she hired James Gonzalez, private investigator, to follow him. Gonzalez trailed the husband from his real estate office to his first appointment – lunch with a woman, which might have been innocuous had he not tenderly given her a box containing jewelry. From there, the man headed for a second appointment – another meal, another woman, another gift.

That afternoon, the two-timing spouse had a third appointment – in a hotel room.

“He was running around like a madman trying to get to all of them on Valentine’s Day,” said Gonzalez, owner of Bear Witness, a Costa Mesa, Calif., investigations company.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t just keep florists buzzing. The holiday can keep philanderers – and the private detectives hired to catch them – busy as well.

“We call it the ‘Festival of Lies’,” said Paul Dank, whose Michigan-based firm runs a Web site called www.cheatingspousepi.com. “It’s the holiday of romance, and if they’re having a romance with someone other than their spouse, they’re definitely going to spend some sort of special moment with them.”

There are two basic kinds of infidelity Dank said. The first is the spontaneous, alcohol-fueled, one-night stand. Valentine’s Day is better for catching the full-blown affair.

On the day to honor romantic love, it’s not only wives who expect chocolates and a candlelight dinner – mistresses want it, too. And if the woman is doing the cheating, which private eyes say happens frequently these days, she’s going to want to mark the day with her lover.

All of which means evidence can get left on credit cards, phone bills, computers and, perhaps most damning of all, surveillance video.

“It plays like a broken record every year,” Dank said. “They buy new underwear. They make up a story that they’re going to be off-site or they have to go out of town. Then, they go get a hotel room with a Jacuzzi and roses on the bed.”

Reliable statistics on infidelity are hard to come by. Unlike divorce and marriage, affairs can’t be objectively measured. Surveys vary widely, and researchers can’t verify what people report about their sex lives.

“How common is cheating? We don’t know for sure,” said Steven Solomon, a clinical psychologist and co-author of “Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage” (New Harbinger, $14.95). “But it’s an alarmingly and distressingly high number. It shatters a relationship and many relationships never recover from it.”

Every year after Valentine’s Day, Solomon notices an uptick in the number of calls about infidelity-related problems. A few are from spouses who, prompted by guilt, have come clean about their betrayal. More are from spouses who got caught up in the thrill of the affair and sloppy about covering their tracks.

“At the beginning, the affair is so exciting. It’s not reality,” Solomon said. “It’s so special and passionate and magical that many people want to spend Valentine’s Day more with their affair partner than with their spouse, and that’s what ends up getting them into trouble.”

Private detectives and marriage counselors are sure of one thing: More women are getting into the act. Though men still stray more often, women are just as capable of leading a double life. To her friends, Kendra had the perfect life. At 22, she married her college sweetheart, a doctor. (Last names are not being used for privacy reasons.) But throughout much of her 9-year marriage, she said, her husband was unfaithful. To catch him, she installed a software program on his computer that recorded his e-mails, chats and the Web sites he visited.

“When I found out, I thought, ‘What’s wrong with me? Am I not smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough?” she said.

His lies and her loneliness, she said, led her into an affair of her own.

“I found someone who thought I was all those things,” she said.

One Valentine’s Day, she made up an excuse for not coming home and spent the night with her boyfriend enjoying a romantic meal on the Queen Mary in Long Beach, Calif. “I knew what I was doing was morally wrong,” Kendra said. “I was living a life that went against my better judgment.” Kendra broke off the affair and tried to repair the marriage. They had a daughter together. But the same problems cropped up again, and they divorced.

Two years ago, Colleen, a 48-year-old Costa Mesa mother of two, found herself on the other end of heartbreak. In January 2005, Colleen began noticing odd charges on her husband’s credit card: big room service bills and purchases from Saks Fifth Avenue and the women’s clothing store Cache.

The weekend after Valentine’s Day, she hired private investigator Patrick Schneemann to trail her husband to a San Diego hotel, where he was staying on business.

Colleen bought Mylar balloons, told the front desk clerk she wanted to surprise her husband for their anniversary by decorating his room and obtained a key. When Colleen was sure her husband was out, she and Schneemann sneaked into the room and outfitted it with hidden cameras. That weekend, cameras caught Colleen’s husband in flagrante. “He called me the next day like nothing was wrong and said, ‘I’m really tired,’” said Colleen, who has since separated. “I was thinking, ‘I know why you’re tired … Viagra boy!’”

To catch cheaters, private investigators rely heavily on surveillance, for which they charge from $75 to $125 an hour. Video cameras can be disguised as pagers, and even attached to sunglasses and hats. Other techniques include installing GPS devices on cars and computer forensics.

Not every bust is as obvious as Colleen’s case, said Schneemann. More often, he catches spouses in little lies – being somewhere other than where they said they’d be, being with someone other than who they said they’d be with. Private eyes also watch closely for body language that indicates intimacy or deception, like slipping off a wedding ring.

In a no-fault divorce state like California, adultery has no legal bearing on a financial settlement. But in a contentious divorce, a spouse who has evidence of an affair can try to use it as leverage to get a more favorable outcome by threatening to tell the children, or by outing the cheater to the community if the person has public standing.

Even in the face of irrefutable evidence, adulterous spouses sometimes try to lie their way out of it.

Schneemann caught one husband smooching another woman in a car. Schneemann notified the man’s wife, who knocked on the car window and confronted him.

The man became indignant and insisted he was merely consoling the woman after a death in her family. The wife backed down.

“She allowed him to manipulate her,” Schneemann said. “I guess some people would rather hang on to their spouse at all costs.”

While getting the goods on a cheating spouse can be a thrill, delivering the bad news isn’t. Some clients weep. Some get angry. Men in particular, he said, are devastated.

“There’s nothing fun about the destruction of a marriage,” said Schneemann, a married father of six. “There are elements of the job that do give you a rush. But we never forget that we’re talking about a marriage, a family, kids.”

In the world of infidelity, he’s learned, it’s best to leave judgments at the door. Once, a Los Angeles man, worried about the faithfulness of his girlfriend, hired Schneemann to spy on her. Sure enough, the woman was entertaining a stream of men.

Schneemann didn’t feel too sorry for him. The Los Angeles man was married. The two-timing girlfriend was his mistress!

Indian Wife Gets Her Own Back. Sorry Jasmine but you’re faking it!

Chas — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 21:16:40 +0000

I listened to this recording today and I have to admit it made me laugh.

BUT! Do you, like me, feel it’s a clever little hoax?

I don’t reckon that the DJ himself is in on the joke (in fact he’s the biggest fall guy if that’s the case)

I have many reasons why I think that, and will happily share them if you let me have yours in the ‘Comments’ section.

OK here’s the Audio:

What do you think?

The Honey Trap – is he ready to cheat? Will you pay to find out?

Chas — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:31:37 +0000

It’s big business these days as many women are prepared to pay another woman to seduce their boyfriends or husbands!

Well, let’s be clear here, not to go all the way of course just to see if the man is open to temptation and, most importantly, if he’s willing to succumb!

Many Brides To Be are using Honey Trap Agencies to test whether their future life partners are ready and willing to have sex with other women.

Gloria F. is one such woman, “I paid an agency $600 to test my fiance, unfortunately he failed the test and I broke up with him. I was heartbroken but better that than to have married a guy who was prepared to have sex with another woman just weeks away from our wedding day – it’s not as if he wasn’t getting it at home”.

Honey Trap Agency owner Fay Jackson explains, “Out of all the honey trap ‘stings’ I’ve set up around 75% of the men make it clear they want sex. Of course my operatives won’t even give them a peck on the cheek, let alone sex! All they do is get taped confirmation that the guy is prepared to cheat. Yes they flirt and come on as women that want a fling. Of course they are beautiful too but all the guys have to do is say no”

But isn’t this just unfair on guys who would never get the opportunity to cheat?

Says Fay: “If the guy is open to offers, is prepared to cheat then he shouldn’t be getting married full stop! I really enjoy it when a guy compliments me and then explains that he’s spoken for, I happily report back to his partner that he’s a good guy. There’s nothing wrong with him flirting with me as long as he stops before it goes too far”

Unhappily it’s a fact that Fay giving her client good news is rare, “Given the option of commitment free, risk free sex most men go for it,” says Fay “if they’re truly in love with their partners they don’t”.

Now, it’s apparent that Fay’s clients already suspect their partners are capable of cheating so the 3 in 4 ratio that she suggests may be a risky statistic to use. Nonetheless its apparent that the majority of men, given the opportunity and inclination, would cheat.

The service is not confined to engaged couples. Fay’s clients include gay men and women in long term relationships and married couples wanting to know if their partner is prepared to cheat. “I have to admit that I feel bad about that sometimes”,said Fay,“When a 50 year old guy, married for 30 years, is approached by a babe in the bar of his sales convention hotel who makes it clear she finds him attractive what’s he going to do?”

None of this would hold up in a court of law, it’s entrapment after all, but that’s the name of the game and lives are being changed, for better or worse, by Fay and her team of operatives.

What are your views on Honey Traps? Let us know by commenting on this post.

When Cheating Doesn’t Matter !

Chas — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:42:38 +0000

So you know or suspect that he’s having an affair. Is it the end of your pathetic little world? Is he thinking of leaving you for her or is it just a ‘lust’ thing – in other words he’s screwing around but you’re his only ‘love’- the one he’ll always come back to? Good for you, your marriage just got stronger!

Maybe you should worry less about his infidelity – some relationships actually improve when the more highly sexed partner gets some action elsewhere.

Is this too shocking for you to take on board?

Don’t let it be – weird as it may sound some people take comfort when it’s confirmed that their partner has been or is cheating on them.
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They actually approve of their philandering. Why? Because their fears and suspicions have been validated – they are no longer being told that they are paranoid or stupid, jealous or just plain loopy! Many learn to live with it, if you’re secure in the long term stability of your relationships do dalliances really matter, might they not even make your relationship stronger?

Many couples have an unspoken agreement “Play safe and never tell” !

This is not disimliar to husband and wife actors ( “On location doesn’t count”) or couples taking separate holidays ( “Las Vegas doesn’t count”)

I remember Princess Diana, being interviewed by Martin Bashir, talking of her husband’s continuing fascination with Mrs Camilla Parker Bowles she, Diana, famously said that the relationship was ‘a bit crowded’. But British aristocracy has always done this.

Male heirs to the British throne have always ‘played around’ from Nell Gwynn to Camilla it’s an historical fact. Charles ‘had’ various actressy type girl friends, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward too – it’s considered a perk of the ‘job’. The establishment has always known, and tacity accepted and approved, that “Bonking the Peasants” doesn’t count either!

Maybe with that kind of laissez-faire attitude it’s not surprising that even after marriage affiars continue often with the tacit approval of partners

Sometimes affairs just happen! They’re an outlet. It’s a bit of a misnomer to think – he’s cheated therefore the marriage is over. Why? As long as he’s practising safe sex and isn’t intending to run off with her why are you hurt? OK it’s a pride thing I know but come on, ignore it. If it’s good enough for those aristocratic toe-rags shouldn’t it be good enough for us, the hoi-polloi? ”

Tell us what YOU think – was Diana an unpleasant manipulative person or your personal Queen of Hearts? Is cheating OK if done well? Controversial stuff!

What’s cheating and what isn’t?

Chas — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 09:41:42 +0000

I was reading in the ‘What makes you happy’ blog about what the definition of infidelity is. For example look at this list and ask which of these you would consider as cheating:

1. Paying a prostitute for (safe) sex.

2. Having sex with someone from the office at a drunken office party…

3. Having sex with someone from the office while at work

4. Having sex with a woman you just met in a bar after an argument at home

5. Having sex with a woman you just met in a bar while away from home

6. Having phone/text/cybersex with someone you will never meet

7. Having phone/text/cybersex with someone you do meet

8. Meeting someone for a drink who your partner does not like but they do not know

9. Meeting someone for a drink who your partner does not like and you lied about the meeting

10. Holding hands with someone else in public when your partner is not around

11. Oral sex on another

12. Oral sex from another

13. Thinking of someone else while having sex with your partner

14. Buying secret gifts for someone else

15. Sending secret texts to someone else

16. Telling someone of the opposite sex all your secrets and your feelings about your partner but without touching them at all

17. Kissing someone else passionately

18. Buying flowers for someone else but not telling your partner

19. Buying flowers for someone else who your partner does not like and not telling your partner

You’ll see that many of the examples involve sex but quite a few do not. It’s an interesting exercise to ask yourself what on the list you would find most hard to forgive or those that you simply couldn’t.

Hilary Clinton forgave Bill for his sexual escapades with Monica (#12) but if he’d shared his most intimate thoughts on Hilary herself (#16) with another woman? That would have really pissed Hilary off even more I think!

The answer of course is different for everybody and it’s the person who’s being cheated on, the victim, that ultimately decides what is cheating and what isn’t. What do you think? What’s forgivable and what isn’t?