I hope Clive gave you an insight into the many shenanigans the WWW now allows anyone with a PC to get up to and the ways to catch ‘em at it – if you’ve a mind too!

He hopefully also explained to anyone who suspects their other half ( let’s not say ‘better half’ just yet!) might be up to no good, online or on their mobile, just how easy it can be to shine a light into their murky infidelities! When he could get a word in edgeways that is!

Press the ‘Play’ button below to hear the all too short chat…

Just kidding Tom - but we're watching you fella!

Most of the technical solutions featured on the Cheatcatcher site work as well in Europe as anywhere else in the world and usually consist of a simple download to your computer. Physical products ( like car GPS locators can be shipped from the States but you could probably buy something similar in a ‘Spy Shop’ in most major cities).

Remember though: By all means spy on someone for your peace of mind BUT if you do, and find that your fears were completely unjustified, NEVER tell them what you did! Because they will be the ones feeling betrayed.

HEALTH WARNING #2: Only instigate a spying plan of action if you know what you will do should your fears be confirmed.

SOME RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS:

I’d really appreciate your comments on the interview ( or anything cheating related) in the comments below – full anonymity guaranteed ( leave a fake name and email address if you wish but be sure to check back for replies).

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“I’m cheating on my wife but don’t know what to do!”

Tim’s in an especially difficult position because his wife doesn’t know ( but Tim wants to confess to ‘start afresh’ )… unfortunately his girlfriend WANTS him to tell his wife so they (girlfriend and Tim) can be a legit couple! Wow! Complicated!

Thing is that if Tim wanted to leave his wife for his girlfriend then, while difficult, it’s do-able.

But Tim wants to ditch the girlfriend and stay with his wife. He can’t see how that can ever happen. He’s pretty sure as soon as he ditches the girlfriend she’ll go all ‘bunny boiler‘ on him and contact the wife out of spite.

The wife, as yet, knows nothing and thinks she’s in a normal faithful marriage.

Tim is worried that the girlfriend is going to ‘spill the beans’ to his wife to encourage Tim to move in with her full-time. He knows he’s got to come clean and fast!

Looks like Tim is f***ed either way – what do YOU think? Your advice can be for Tim, the wife, the girlfriend or all three…

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I admit that I became a little curious as to the attraction of this massively popular ‘game’…

Sitting beside her, I was stunned as I watched her engage in a number of flirty, romantic encounters and left promptly when things started to turn sexual. I got it, though. I finally understood why all her time and a good deal of her money went into Second Life.

So I asked a few questions from time to time and soon realized that this can be viewed as completely normal behavior for those who are totally into virtual reality and have pretty much lost interest in regular reality.

Virtual reality avatars are created to be the person you really want to be, and you get to be thinner, sexier, and funnier online than in real life.

This also means that people are hooking up all over the internet as they live their ‘second’ lives, and if your partner is in love with a virtual reality avatar, you are now in direct competition with the “perfectly created” individual. 

Have you ever seen a teenager or a young person in their twenties discover their first love? There’s giggling and blushing and even a consistent need to talk about the person until everyone throws up their hands and gives up on changing the subject. Oddly enough, many partners who are cheating via virtual reality don’t even recognize it as cheating yet they are literally in love with a cartoon character or ‘avatar’. They blush and giggle and talk about the avatar as though it were their lifeline and soulmate! 

Virtual reality is an interesting and quite frankly ingenious business concept. People spend more time in the second life than their first life because they get to do it the way they wish they had. It’s a fantasy world. The few that actually go so far as to meet their love interest usually realize that this person wasn’t worth the sacrifice of a happy partnership because the individual is not real. It’s true that the concept is lost on a partner who is totally smitten by an avatar. However, cybersex is still a sexual act with someone else, even if they are using different names and have only the image of a fantasy in their mind.

The above couple not only got married in Second Life but the guy even cheated on his ‘wife’ with yet another avatar. The other ‘woman’? That’s her at the top of this article. It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic!

Related posts:

1. Is Your Partner Having An Online Affair?
2. How Is He Having Cyber Sex?

Good News: Catching an online cheat can be done pretty simply unless your partner is a techno wiz…

If you are ready to start gathering your evidence and want to proceed, you need to consider a few basic things before you get started.

Online cheating usually requires at least a little bit of online savvy.

Your partner may have been internet incompetent just a year ago, but there are more than enough resources out there for them to learn how to cover their tracks fairly well in a very short time.

The thing about internet cheating is that it is actually impossible to cover up completely. When you delete an email or close out a chat window or even erase your history, there is still a small electronic fingerprint left behind somewhere on the computer. Unless your partner wipes their hard drive clean after every internet liaison, you will be able to find your evidence. 

Some suspicious partners simply ask their other halves about their online activities until there is no way out except the truth. Others ask their partner for their email password and condemning if they don’t get it. 

Of course, there is something to be said for ‘keystroke loggers’ and spyware that can tell you exactly what has been going on on the computer while you are off doing something else. These programs are designed to be discreet and they offer the user a chance to spy undetected on an online cheat. Some programs become difficult to use with certain high end security programs. My computer is guarded like Fort Knox simply because I do my banking online and I need to know that I am relatively safe. If you install a general spyware on my laptop, my security program will pick it up and sound the alarm. 

Keystroke loggers are less detectable and can usually be installed unless your partner has a few definite versions of specific security software running. Of course, this software is not difficult to disable. You simply go into the program and shut it off.

Read the fine print of the company you are purchasing your keystroke logger or your spyware from. If your credit card statement is going to come back to you and your partner with Keystroke Loggers Are Us on it, the chances of it being a successful endeavor are rather slim. Most companies understand that you are looking into an online cheat and you need a little discretion on your credit card statement.

Be sure that you are prepared for the worst before you install a program that is going to confirm what you already know. You might find that you have been portrayed as some sort of horrific monster to help justify the affair, or that your partner is very good at lying to both you and the competition. Whatever you are about to find out, you need to be prepared to deal with it. How you choose to respond is up to you but you will most likely.

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While a sudden lost of sexual interest can be the result of numerous possibilities, the general desire not to be near you, not to cuddle, not to engage with you on any physical sense is a definite warning sign.

The thing about computer infidelity is that the obvious link from your partner to the relationship is the computer.

Behaviors regarding the computer or computers start to change. Many partners share an email account or at least have access to each others computers on some level.

Yet when the affair starts to take off and become an obsession, the cheating partner suddenly wants total privacy and control over the computer. They change passwords regularly, they lock out their desktop, and they suddenly become vigilant about closing out of their accounts and shutting off their computer in between uses.

The computer that once was left on to the point of annoyance is now 100% off unless the cheating partner is in front of it. Blocking you from their buddy list is another sign, as though they wish to remain hidden while online so that you can’t tell if you’re at work or elsewhere that they are using their computer.

If you have kids that were once using the computer for homework, there is a sudden need to have them use a different one or even the need to buy them one of their own. Unless a business is attached to your partner’s computer, this is a significant sign of computer infidelity as is the computer being moved from an area easily accessible by all the family to somewhere more remote.

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I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.”

BTW: Feel free to substitute the word ‘he’ for ‘she’ in this article.

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.” Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.

Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as “backing off” enhances one’s chance to save the marriage.

About the author: Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Related posts:

1. Spotting Emotional Infidelity Signs – It ain’t that hard!
2. Dealing with Emotional Infidelity
3. Is an Emotional Affair the Same as Cheating?

While there are varying definitions that determine what actually constitutes an affair or cybersex, the websites that promote this type of ‘hooking up’ are not all that discreet…

Most people who enter chat rooms, web posting forums, or role playing sites with the intention of meeting someone new while they are online justify and dismiss it as a non—affair because they aren’t meeting in a cheap hotel room rented by the hour.

You can catch a partner that is being unfaithful through a variety of methods, but what exactly are you supposed to do with the information once you have it? If you aren’t prepared to confront your partner on the issue, should you go through the motions to find out?

How much proof do you need exactly?
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More importantly, what will you do when that proof is undeniable? Do you want a divorce or separation – or to find a way to overcome their obsession and get your relationship back on track?

The notion of online affairs isn’t one that has been out in the open for very long and many innocent partners, who find out about these strange connections, feel lost, alone and betrayed. These are normal feelings but there are very few places to discuss these feelings in order to best sort out your course of action.

I have known couples who have stayed together despite an online affair. I have also known partners who go about having their own affair once they discover their partner has been unfaithful, as if they’ve been ‘given permission’.  Two wrongs don’t necessarily make a right and breaking fidelity commitments on your end affects you just as much as your partner.

Confronting a partner about infidelity is something that you want to do only if you are sure that there is an online affair in the mix. Accusing a partner that isn’t engaged in an online excursion can also be damaging to a relationship. Confessing that you have installed software on their computer to catch them can also leave the trail of trust a little shaken.

I personally wouldn’t care if my partner installed spyware on my laptop because I have nothing to hide. However, I would have to question why there was a need for it. This creates an interesting scenario for those who are trying to determine if their partner is flirting with the extinction of the relationship i.e. looking for an excuse to leave.

I do know someone who caught their partner engaging in an online affair through a simple email. He emailed an attachment to his partner and later that night asked her for her email password because he accidentally deleted the file from his own email. While he used deception to catch her, she found herself in the position that left her with no way out. The emails from her online lover were in her Inbox, read and saved like little treasures.

However, refusing to give the password would clue him in that there was something in there that he shouldn’t see. I would, however, not recommend this course of action during the holidays or the month of your birthday. During these times, my partner is denied access to my email simply because of gifts that I may have ordered online.

Being sure allows you to bring the subject into the open, discuss it, and decide what to do about it. Wild guessing and conjecture is only going to drive you crazy over a period of time, and your mind can play some pretty nasty tricks on you when you are relying on your imagination to provide the facts.

Related posts:

1. My Partner Loves A Virtual Reality Avatar?
2. Is an Emotional Affair the Same as Cheating?
3. Is Cyber Sex Addictive – are you hooked ?

Online magazines, downloadable films, online strippers, sex chat rooms the list goes on and on and the ‘industry’ has led the way in web innovation.

Let’s face it, they had the money to employ the best programmers!

Online pornography addiction and regular pornography addiction are virtually the same. It’s just the medium, the availability that differs; online pornography can be accessed from home, an addict doesn’t have to go outside their house.

It can be obtained at any time, anywhere with computer access.

Time breeds monotony and online pornography addicts can can view images – a vastly greater number of images – directly on their monitor on a website than can be found at the local newsagents on the magazine rack.

Is your partner hiding what he’s doing on the computer? Has he moved the PC into a new area and does he/she get upset if you walk in unannounced? If so: something’s going on!

Cybersex in a way invented the modern internet as we know it today, it’s a fact that the porn industry has always led the way on the web – no, really, it’s true! Every major break through from images to videos was grabbed and initiated by the porn merchants’ designers and they led the way technologically. All design on the web, all the interactivity – the audios/videos/animations were all initiated by a bunch of porn programmers!

People can communicate and talk with other human beings and fantasize and discuss sexual content and engage in a ‘virtual’ sexual relationship that, at least in their minds, is real. The sex industry loved that, as long as it could be controlled – they didn’t want anyone having an independent, freelance sexy chat out of their ‘chat rooms’. But those very chat rooms first appeared on the web in a sexual content and still do.

Related posts:

1. Is Your Partner Having An Online Affair?

But what are the chances he’s married already? Is that really him in the photo? (Hey! This works both ways – for ‘he’ read ‘she’ too)…

According to most guestimates it’s 1 in 3 are faking it! On top of that another 1 in 3 are in relationships and looking for someone new or a fling. If he IS already married but isn’t being upfront about it what are the chances of having an honest relationship with him? So how do you find out if he has a wife at home?

Well you could ask outright at the outset, maybe stating that you’d heard that many men were pretending to be single on dating sites and making it quite clear that as far as you’re concerned this would be quite unacceptable. Living apart from his wife i.e. being separated does NOT mean he is single but maybe he thinks it does. Only being truly single i.e. never married or divorced cuts it!

What are the signs that he might be married or in a relationship? Is he simply a ‘Player’ looking for some quick conquest and then Adios?

OK, first dates are usually one-on-one in neutral territory and ‘meeting the family’ can seem quite a big step in any relationship but have you met any of his friends yet?

Is he free in talking about his education, work life, recent vacations and current living arrangements, is he happy to give you his address? Or does he avoid talking about these subjects in any depth.

Does he phone at the last minute to cancel a date or meeting? If says he works a 9 to 5 why can’t he meet you for dinner on any day of the week? Does he cook for himself or eat out often alone or with friends – that’s what single guys do. Or is someone else giving him his dinners?

Watch out too for his broaching the risky subjects of ‘open relationships’ or ‘wanting to take things slowly’ (stating he’s been hurt before) these could be leading up to the day when he lets slip that he’s unhappily (naturally!) married and that his wife doesn’t understand him and they are platonicaly staying together for the kids alone. You know the cliches!

But by that stage you could be in too deep and in love. So much so you are prepared to forgive his lying to you about his marital status and prepared to accept being the ‘other woman’.

When you like someone, especially at the beginning of a relationship, you are often too quick in giving them the benefit of the doubt. A good ‘Player’ can be very accomplished at allaying your concerns about his life when you’re not around

So if you truly want to find out if he’s already married do so early by doing some research. There’s nothing wrong in checking him out for a criminal record is there, would you not check out his references if he’d asked to borrow money? Of course you would! So check out if he’s been married, or is still married. after the first introductory date and before the third.

Does his address and hone numbers tally with the name he’s given you. He won’t give you his address? BIG question mark there right?

Whatever your reasons for using an online dating site to find a new partner you owe it to yourself ( before you get in too deep) that they are who they say they are, live where they say they live and are the real McCoy. The majority are! Just don’t get ripped off by the minority who don’t have your best interests at heart.

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