» Three’s A Crowd

What is Online Infidelity? Does it really exist?

Chas — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:41:16 +0000

What is the difference between a little harmless online flirting and actual online infidelity? The information age brought with it a great many moral questions that have been difficult for people to answer, and this one ranks up there with the top five questions.

Online infidelity usually looks like any other form of online interaction, except that the emotional engagement is much higher. Flirting isn’t an emotional entanglement. An actual online affair, however, is likely to elicit stronger emotions and even emotional anguish during the process. The level of personal commitment to the online relationship can be the single biggest key factor in determining whether there is an online affair in the works or if there is just some simple flirtatious behaviors tracking the pair of chatters.

Online infidelity can cause more problems in many relationships than the old fashioned infidelity. Because there are so many grey areas when it comes to discovering exactly what online infidelity really is, the two people in the primary relationship often don’t even agree that there has been an infraction of trust or inappropriate behavior going on. Furthermore, many people hold the belief that the only way to be unfaithful is the have an actual sexual affair that involves two physically connecting bodies.

Emotional intimacy is often much deeper and more meaningful that mere sex, and since an strong emotional connection can be developed online, it is quite possible for someone to engage in online infidelity without ever touching the third party. When the emotional connection is strong enough to pull you away from your primary relationship, you are shortchanging the primary relationship. Thus, you are in fact, engaging in an emotional affair. So how can you break out of this cycle?

Facilitating an affair via a keyboard doesn’t make it any less painful for the partner who has remained faithful. The internet is just the methodology but it is not the cause. The cause comes from the person eliciting the online affair. Online cheating starts because two people are looking for an exciting emotional connection that can make them feel like they are truly falling in love. After all, falling in love is a very joyful experience that can change your entire outlook on life and where you are going with your life. That special excitement can make it easier to get out of bed in the morning, can make your own sex life with your primary partner much more intense (even though they have become just a stand in all of a sudden) and can make you feel sexy and attractive.

Many of us judge ourselves through the eyes that other people see us. When we engage in an online affair, we aren’t looking for someone to take us to the next level of we aren’t ready. We want to be desirable even in our anonymity. These feelings can make daily life more fun, exciting, and taken in stride with a better sense of self esteem. After all, you are being told that you are a truly worthwhile and amazing individual by the new affair. You are being told that you are highly worthy of the time and attention of other people that might outrank your partner in physical attractiveness.

Online infidelity is not the easiest place to come back from. Some couples split while other couples opt to work it out to the best of their abilities. If you’re dealing with online infidelity than the best you can do is to make decisions that are in your own best interest.

Spotting Emotional Infidelity Signs – It ain’t that hard!

Chas — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:29:29 +0000

Spotting emotional infidelity signs can be just as traumatic as spotting signs of a sexual affair. Emotional infidelity can carry a harsh sting, as the rationale that “it was just sex” flies right out the window. Emotional infidelity is a clear sign that your partner is sharing of him or herself in some of the most intimate ways that far outweigh the sharing of body parts.

The first sign of emotional infidelity is your partner’s sudden desire to spend more time away from you and more time toward someone else, even if that time is spent online or on the phone. There is a sense of withdrawal from you, a sense that your partner isn’t really there and present with you while he or she seems a little happier than normal.

It’s like you start living parallel lives rather than a life together. It can happen without a lot of warning. Sometimes it just seems that your partner has found a new friend or is going through an emotional rebirth of sorts. The problem is that you are being left out of the process and you can feel it.

Emotional infidelity can happen without a lot of awareness on either partner’s side until the emotional intimacy with the third party is well grounded. By then, you have been feeling left out, somewhat alone, and have a sense of loss of emotional connection with your partner.

There are some more obvious signs, like overhearing phone conversations that reveal intimate details that you are unaware of or finding chats on the computer that seem extremely personal. It should be noted that many partners are totally blown away to find that their partner is experiencing emotional intimacy with a friend of the same gender. With attitudes changing and more relaxed attitudes sweeping the country, many individuals are finding that they suddenly have the freedom to explore intimate emotional feelings that a special friend might elicit.

Some people find some comfort in emotional infidelity with a same sex friend and others find it even more distressing. Anyone with curiosity can fall into an emotionally entangled relationship without ever taking it to a physical level.

Emotional infidelity can usually only be detected and confirmed when you catch your partner in the act. You might have your suspicions as the distance between the two of you grows and the emotional bond to their new friend grows to undeniable levels. It is not always easy to deal with, but many couples can bounce back from emotional infidelity once the problem has been identified.

Many people who indulge in emotional infidelity are not quite as conscious of their actions as they would be of physical infidelity simply because there is such a fine line between confiding in a friend and blossoming a purely spiritual and emotional relationship. Some people do not recognize it until it actually causes a problem.

If you suspect that your partner is engaging in emotional infidelity, the best course of action is to express your needs for more emotional connection on an ever increasing level until the true intentions of your partner are realized.

Reasons for Marital Infidelity – what did you do wrong?

Chas — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:21:11 +0000

Sure, there are many reasons for marital infidelity. Some people believe that if you are not taking care of ‘business’ at home that a partner will wander off to get their needs met elsewhere – hmm, seems a bit 2 dimensional.

Perhaps there is a tinge of truth to this, but this means that the “innocent” partner is just as liable as the partner that stepped outside the relationship. That might be reasonable under some circumstances, but what about the partner who decides to step out because his or her needs aren’t being met because their significant other is working 100 hour weeks in order to dig the family out from under? One person can only deliver so much.

A relationship is always a two way street. Each partner is responsible for their own actions and their own feelings. Each partner is also responsible for their own actions. If you hit me am I in the right if I hit you back? Is it your fault that I hit you, even though you hit me first? For some people these are complicated, grey area questions. For others, these are very black and white, right and wrong questions.

There are a number of situations that can lead to the end of a relationship, such as drifting apart and the inability to effectively communicating. Even the simple act of falling out of love could end a relationship. Infidelity happens when one partner wants to be the chronic center of all relationships in their life.

Anyone can meet someone who might be better suited to them, can fall in love with a coworker, or can start exploring new sexual interests without including their partner. In almost all cases, the infidelity is a result of the cheating partner not wanting to relinquish the perks of the original relationship. Usually the motivation is financial or situational.

Many couples, even unhappy couples, have developed a rather comfortable lifestyle. It can be scary for some people to break away from the security of that lifestyle and a comfortable if not rather boring relationship when they can get their excitement on the side. However, infidelity is not always about the end of the primary relationship. Sometimes people just like the danger of it all.

Regardless of what the reasons are, infidelity is a selfish action. It is an action that undermines that well being of another person. Falling in love, looking for excitement, or taking on daring sexual exploits are all reasons to end the primary relationship in order to pursue something that might make one happier.

The bottom line is that no matter what the reason for the infidelity might be, the partner that wants to make changes to the relationship is responsible for giving the information to the other partner. We are all responsible for our own actions and our actions are derived from our own desire to take care of ourselves.

In a committed relationship, each partner has an obligation to let the other know if their desires or intentions have changed. It is up to each partner whether that information means the relationship is over or if there is still a reason for continuing it. There are many relationships that wander in and out of monogamy and everyone is perfectly satisfied with the outcome. There are other relationships that require monogamy as part of the deal.

Help in Surviving Infidelity – Sucks Don’t It?

Chas — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:44:50 +0000

Most people who experience being at the duped end of infidelity need a little help in surviving infidelity, although some people seem to take it in their stride. I could cut right to the core of the issue and simply state that if monogamy is a requirement for the continuation of the relationship then you’re better off knowing that your requirements are not being met. However, that usually doesn’t soften the emotional impact of the infidelity problem.

Most people who experience infidelity go through a myriad of emotions from anger to devastation to even a little bit of guilt. The strength of these emotions can be highly overpowering. You can feel angry enough to want to cause physical or emotional pain even though you probably know that it won’t assuage the feelings that you are experiencing.

The first step in surviving infidelity is to find an outlet for all the feelings that you are experiencing. A friend’s ear or a therapist work for some while sports or journaling/diary writing work for others. I believe a combination of outlets works best. A little talking, a little physical exertion, and a little self reflective exercises can be very effective in working things out. There is no denying that you have been wronged, but most of the time the wrong that was done has absolutely nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the person that cheated on you.

I knew a woman once who went and had an affair when she caught her husband having an affair. While it is not something I would recommend, this eye for an eye deal seemed to work for them. They remained married until his death 15 years later and not another word was spoken about it. Again, it’s not my style but if it works for your relationship, who am I to judge that?

Most people who need help surviving infidelity do not always recognize the legitimacy of their feelings. They feel as though their feelings are running them over and they don’t realize that these feelings are part of the process. The reason that people surviving infidelity have such issues is that they tend to feel as though the foundation that they built their life around was false. It wasn’t. The foundation that the life was built around had everything to do with what you wanted from life, and your perception of it. If your partner stepped away from that, then your foundation and beliefs are still the same.

Deciding to move forward with your life usually happens after you’ve experienced your feelings and figured out how you want to respond to the infidelity. There is a process to dealing with your emotions and making decisions day by day. You don’t have to make any permanent decision until you feel like it.

Every day, whether you’re talking about the actions of a committed partner, a traffic accident, or the tragedy of a loved one, harsh stimulus is thrown our direction and we feel we must figure out how to respond to it on a permanent level. There is no rule that says you can’t simply take things day by day and try to make the best decisions for you along the way.

Need Help in Confronting the Other Woman?

Chas — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:33:26 +0000

When you discover that your partner has engaged in acts of infidelity it is difficult to figure out who you are the angriest with. While your partner is entitled to the brunt of the blame, there are plenty of “other women” that were well aware of the fact that there was a serious and committed relationship in play before they showed up on the scene.Many women choose to take matters into their own hands and confront the other woman, very much like a mother lion protecting her own.

Most women need help in confronting the other woman. Do you charge at her like a bull on a rampage? Should you reason with her? This is an emotional issue and emotional issues usually run into emotional behavior. It’s very difficult to contain the anger, hurt, and the sense of betrayal you might feel when confronting the other woman. However, the more your can keep your emotions under wraps the more headway you are likely to make in two areas. First, you may very well glean some information that turns out to be valuable in your decision making process. Second, you might be able to come to terms with the other woman’s culpability.

Before you confront the other woman, decide what you want to get out of the deal. If you want to find out her motivations, her intentions, and her own personal knowledge of the relationship she is stepping into you will achieve your goal better if you have an actual goal. If you are just out to create a scene and vent your anger then you will most likely only have one confrontation that ends poorly. Venting your anger at the other woman isn’t really going to accomplish much. Unless you have her ear for days on end, there will always be more to say than you thought of at the moment of the confrontation.

Fortunately, there are ways to confront the other woman without blowing your sense of dignity or lunging toward a long winded but useless rampage. If she is willing, set up a meeting time with her so that you can enter the situation with some amount of organization. Make notes of the hot points and even questions that you want to put on the table during the confrontation. Let her know that you are willing to hear her out because you will most likely be able to be heard that way. If you both claim to love the same person, emotions will run harder but if you both agree to talk to each other like women you might be able to come away with a renewed sense of self and understanding regarding your relationship.

It is not uncommon for many confrontations to put the relationship in question into a new light. There may be information or thoughts that come to the surface that make you start to question whether being in a relationship with someone who was so willing to step out is something that you really want to involve yourself in. In many cases, the other woman ends up just as behind the proverbial “love eight ball” as you, just in different ways. Confronting the other woman may or may not get you what you want, but you are almost always guaranteed a new perspective if you can keep your head during the confrontation.

Dealing with Emotional Infidelity

Chas — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 17:36:39 +0000

Dealing with emotional infidelity is sort of like swimming through a quagmire of new information. The idea of emotional infidelity is rather new although the effects have been felt throughout relationships since the beginning of time. Emotional infidelity is often more intimate than a sexual affair. Emotional intimacy is very real and it is usually the basis for real and true relationship foundations, which is what makes it so scary for the partner of the one developing the intimacy.

If your partner has developed a relationship that qualifies as emotional infidelity, the first place to start is with their own awareness of the situation. Some people simply go for the feeling of being understood and start gravitating toward what feels comfortable without realizing the effects of their actions. There are plenty of people who believe it is not infidelity unless sex is involved. Yet if your partner is exhibiting signs of emotional infidelity you are already well aware that there is still a serious infraction of committed relationship basics when a partner becomes more emotionally involved with someone other than you.

When you first discover that your partner is exercising some emotional infidelity your thoughts might immediately turn to the worst case scenario. It does not necessarily mean that the relationship is over. It does mean that the two of you have to make a dedicated effort to return to each other, to work at reconnecting on that emotional level, if and only if you both want to. You don’t have to make a firm decision immediately. The first step is talking about the issue honestly with each other.

There is a good chance that the two of you can come back to the same level of emotional intimacy that he or she was sharing with the third party, and then beyond. Couples face struggles all of the time and in our throw away society it is not uncommon for many of us to throw away the relationship as soon as it gets mucked up. However, emotional infidelity requires a dedicated effort from each individual in order to return to a more intimate level between each other.

Returning from emotional infidelity requires emotional risk. It means being vulnerable and honest and loving from a deep place within to open up that connection again. This is not always an easy task. It requires throwing down what you have and loving your partner without inhibition to return to your original level of emotional intimacy, and being willing to risk the possibility that it might not work out in the end.

If your partner has already emotionally moved on and all that is left is going through the motions of breaking up and moving on, your challenge is learning how to let go without feeling the sense of failure that many people assign themselves under such circumstances. There are times that one partner does not share the same goals as their partner. Emotional infidelity can open up a wound in the relationship that was there and unacknowledged. If you find that the relationship is in disarray, sometimes the most you can do is learn from all that has happened and vow to love without abandon the next time around.

Is an Emotional Affair the Same as Cheating?

Chas — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:35:27 +0000

In this ever-changing world, it seems that even the terminology of old is taking on new context. It used to be that the idea of cheating was something that was black and white. In today’s society, there is now a grey area known as an emotional affair.

For some people, an emotional affair is just as bad as cheating in a relationship whereas others feel that an emotional affair is nothing more than an annoyance in a relationship. To understand what an emotional affair truly is, there needs to be a more defined definition of the term.

An emotional affair is when you or your significant other starts an adult friendship that goes too far. This is not when one person physically cheats on another; it is when they seek out the love, and affection, of somebody besides their significant other. Emotional affairs oftentimes start out innocently enough, but if there is an emotional void in a relationship, sometimes these adult friendships cross the line and take on a dangerous dynamic.

While an emotional affair is a form of cheating, many times, the “cheating” partner may not even realize what has happened initially. No, it does not fall into the old-world definitions of cheating, but it is a form of it, nonetheless.

When someone commits an emotional affair, they are pulling themselves away from their spouse mentally and emotionally and relying on somebody else for their emotional needs. This usually results in the person spending less time with their spouse and more time with their new friend. They find that it is easier to go to their friend with problems and concerns and build an emotional comfort zone with them. This is truly an affair of the heart – physicality does not have to be involved, but often will be eventually.

For many people, an emotional affair will eventually lead to a physical affair. Once the emotional connection is made with another person, it is much easier to become intimate with him or her. Instead of being emotionally connected to their spouse, they are more in tune with their friend; this change of heart and attitude can be devastating to a marriage. A natural progression of an intimate emotional bond is physical intimacy — being caught up in an emotional affair is a slippery slope.

In fact many partners feel more betrayed by an emotional affair than a physical one. Someone sleeping with a stranger they just met while on a sales trip can seem less threatening than a ‘platonic’ affair that involves confidences, trust and affection.

Just as a physical affair is cheating, so is an emotional affair. In some ways, having an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one. While the pain inflicted due to a physical relationship outside of the marriage can be devastating, the wounds due to betrayal of the heart may never mend.

How To Cope With A Suspected Cheater

Chas — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:41:57 +0000

Cheating is all too common in relationships. It is unfortunate, but in many cases, it is true. However, there are times when jealousy can cloud a person’s vision, making them envision their spouse’s infidelity based on unfounded feelings. So, how should you cope if you suspect your spouse is cheating?

First of all, don’t jump to conclusions. Observe your spouse’s behavior. How has their behavior changed? Ask yourself what makes you think that your spouse is cheating, and make sure that your reasoning is rational. Be honest with yourself. If you are normally a jealous and insecure person, make certain that you are not overreacting. Take it one-step at a time. Watch how your spouse acts around you and others.

If your spouse is cheating on you, here are a few signs that they may be exhibiting:

A cheating spouse may start spending more and more time away from you. They will probably make excuses to go out, and probably exclude you from their plans.

A cheating husband or wife may seem detached or disinterested with you, with the kids, and home life in general.

A cheating partner may become defensive if you question them about something, even something seemingly innocent; if a question can relate to their potential infidelity, it may cause them to appear “snappy”.

If your somebody is cheating, they may start to take more of an interest in their appearance. Maybe they’ll start dressing better when they go out, they’ll put on perfume or aftershave, they’ll start working out; whatever it is — they will likely work to improve some physical attribute so as to appear more attractive to their new partner.

Usually, a cheating spouse becomes more secretive. They will answer the phone in another room, they’ll clear their cell phone’s text-message history, they’ll erase their internet browsing sessions, and they’ll give you ambiguous answers if you ask them who they were talking to.

A cheating husband may start coming home late or leaving for work earlier. They also may start working weekends or working days off for no apparent reason.

It is important to note, though, that these are not steadfast guarantees of cheating. Sometimes, any of life’s ups or downs cause us to react in one way or another, and the “signs” of a cheating partner that you’re seeing are simply your spouse’s reaction to their life at the moment. Now, it’s also important that you are not foolish, either. If you suspect your spouse is cheating — become observant.

Pay attention to what your spouse is doing, and try not to let on that you think that they are cheating. As you are concerned about your spouse, you should notice these changes, but do not show them that you are hurt, because truthfully, you don’t have any proof that they are, in fact, cheating on you. You may want to confront your spouse on your suspicions, but it is best to wait until you have proof of infidelity before confronting them — a false accusation can be as damaging as the act of cheating itself.

So, how do you prove your spouse is cheating? Use a recorder. Leave a recorder on while you go out and your spouse is at home to see if you catch any information. Make sure it is in a place where it will not be noticed or appear as if it was left on purposely. If your spouse is making a habit of going out regularly or running to the store quite often, follow them. If you can’t follow them yourself, have someone that you trust keep an eye on those regular trips. If all else fails, hire a private detective — private investigators can catch infidelity, and offer up definitive proof so that you can confront your spouse.

If your spouse is, in fact, cheating on you, and you have the proof — then you can confront them. Jumping to conclusions, and especially if you accuse your spouse of cheating on you when they really aren’t, is a good way to risk irreparable harm to your marriage over a simple misunderstanding.

How to Confront a Suspected Cheater

Chas — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 18:33:16 +0000

Infidelity is one of the primary reasons that relationships break up. Now, you may suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, and you want to confront him or her — but you’re not sure how to proceed. You should take a few things into consideration before you march headstrong into a one-on-one confrontation with your spouse.

First of all, remain calm and keep your composure. Losing your temper will solve nothing. It fact, it will likely make matters worse. Confronting your spouse with your concerns doesn’t have to turn into a shouting match. Do you have proof that your spouse is cheating? If so, what type of proof? Are you assuming that your spouse is cheating?

Perhaps because a friend of a friend saw your spouse talking to someone of the opposite sex? Make sure you have more to go on than hearsay or speculation before confronting your other half.

If you confront your partner with little-or-no proof that he or she is cheating, you could be creating trouble where there is none.

You should also be careful about involving friends or relatives in your confrontation. For instance, if you mention that a friend or family member saw your spouse with someone else, he or she may want to confront the friend or relative. That person may not want any further involvement even though he or she inadvertently became involved by informing you in the first place. The point is that by disclosing such information to your spouse, you could be causing a stressful situation for your friend or relative. It may be best to have further proof of cheating before confronting your spouse.

You should also consider the possibility that your spouse may not be cheating. Even though a friend or relative has seen your spouse with someone is not evidence that they are cheating. The person could be an old friend or co-worker. Engaging in a conversation, or having lunch, does not constitute having an affair. You’re probably wondering why your spouse didn’t mention the person or situation if it was so innocent. It could simply be that your spouse didn’t think it was important. Spouses do not always relate every single detail of their lives to each other, but that does not mean they are hiding something.

If there is reason to believe that your spouse may be cheating, and you want to confront them, do so tactfully. Tell your spouse that you have concerns and need to talk. Approach the subject openly and honestly by telling your spouse that they are a very important part of your life. Reaffirm your love for your spouse. Express your concerns without using an accusing tone. If your spouse isn’t cheating, they should be understanding of your concern. If your spouse is cheating, your expression of affection should make them feel a twinge of guilt.

You should never directly confront an abusive spouse alone. An abusive spouse may fly into a rage and cause you physical harm. You must consider your safety first. Have a friend or relative come over if you plan on confronting your spouse. If you prefer to confront your spouse alone, then do so in a public place. Your spouse will be less likely to become aggressive in public. Don’t rush to confront your spouse, but rather — take time to calm down and think things through.

Most often, a cheating spouse is not going to admit to their indiscretions voluntarily. If you do have proof of infidelity, be prepared for them to become defensive. It’s a natural reaction to get all ‘upset’ when put on the spot. If you don’t have the proof, and be told that your accusations are ‘mad’! — they may find it hard to forgive you and your relationship may become strained.

Confront if you must, but make sure you have the facts before accusing your spouse of cheating.

I Cheat But Don’t Know Why?

Chas — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:01:23 +0000

Here’s what Tim had to say to me recently:

“I’m cheating on my wife but don’t know what to do!”

Tim’s in an especially difficult position because his wife doesn’t know ( but Tim wants to confess to ‘start afresh’ )… unfortunately his girlfriend WANTS him to tell his wife so they (girlfriend and Tim) can be a legit couple! Wow! Complicated!

Thing is that if Tim wanted to leave his wife for his girlfriend then, while difficult, it’s do-able.

But Tim wants to ditch the girlfriend and stay with his wife. He can’t see how that can ever happen. He’s pretty sure as soon as he ditches the girlfriend she’ll go all ‘bunny boiler‘ on him and contact the wife out of spite.

The wife, as yet, knows nothing and thinks she’s in a normal faithful marriage.

Tim is worried that the girlfriend is going to ‘spill the beans’ to his wife to encourage Tim to move in with her full-time. He knows he’s got to come clean and fast!

Looks like Tim is f***ed either way – what do YOU think? Your advice can be for Tim, the wife, the girlfriend or all three…