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June 11, 2011 | | Comments 0

You Asked About: How Can I Find Out If My Wife Is Having An Affair

Mary asks…

How to forgive/forget an affair?

I found out my wife had an affair. It’s been a year, currently we are separated. I keep telling her I forgive her. I know she is having a hard time forgiving herself.

I feel like I have forgiven her, but then shouldn’t I be able to forget that this happened? The reason why we are separated is to see if separation can clear both our minds of this affair.

My only problem is when I don’t get to see her or talk to her, I think she is with the guy she had an affair with. She says she isn’t.

Am I just kidding myself? Is this really too broken to fix? Will I ever trust her?
Thank you everyone for your input. I appreciate both the grow pair and move on, to if we are committed to the marriage, it might work.

One more question. I thought about this for a while now, and could this be a reason why I can‘t forget?

The guy she had an affair with was a co-worker. And he is married with two kids. His current wife‘s ex-husband cheated on her. So in reality that woman has had two people cheat on her.

My wife still works with this guy, and I he knows that I know everything. I know this guy sweats everytime his phone rings at his home, or when his wife gets a call on her cell phone.

I think part of my wife‘s problem is that she knows she has hurt me. And she thinks I‘m going to seek revenge. Do you think when question her trust, it’s because she can‘t trust me that I will not seek revenge? Whether it’s my telling the other wife, or she thinks I‘m going to have an affair to get back at her?
Thank you pussycat for your comments.

For some reason I can not ask my wife to find a new job. That is what several of my close friends have said she should do with out even me asking. But she hasn’t. She said she will but then brings up the fact that what am I supposed to do? And makes me feel guilty she has to give up her job.

I don’ think she understands how I feel that she still works with him, and sees him every day.

I haven’t slept a wink all night, and this morning I‘m still confused, but my gut is telling me that all the signs are there. I think I should just let her go, and get on with my life.

Chas answers:

I’m sorry to hear that your wife had an affair. That is one of the most challenging thing that any couple could ever go through. Yes you are hurt, yes she did betray your trust but don’t let that control you. Is she sorry for what she did? If she is then there is hope.

Forgiveness sometime is difficult to do but mostly it is necessary. Unfortunately forgeting….that is the one of the things that is impossible to do cause the brain is a person on its own. She has messed up in the past but now she has to earn your trust. Is she trying to make things better and are you trying to make it easier for her to do so? If so then there is hope.

I personally don’t think a distance (long) is going to fix things because you will always be suspicious as to whether she is with him or not.

She having a hard time forgiving herself should be a sign that she is truly sorry for her mistake and that she will never repeat the same mistake. It also shows that ;she truly does love you. So don’t give up on her too soon.

Good luck with the future endeavers, may the Grace of God be with you and I hope you work out your differences. May the Lord bless your marriage.

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