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July 03, 2011 | | Comments 0

You Asked About: How Do I Find Out If My Husband Is Having An Affair

Chris asks…

What would you do if you found out your husband was lying to you? Not having an affair, but lying?

Let me start by saying I‘m completely in love with my husband and we have a beautiful baby girl together, which makes this really hard.

A little history and what happened

My husband is a recovered addict/alcoholic and I was dating him when I discovered that he was an alcoholic and I stayed with him and helped him through his recovery, we went to counseling, AA, all of it. When he commited to quitting he took out his piercings and told me that removing them was symbolic of letting go of that negative lifestyle (because he associated piercings with drinking and partying) and that if I ever questioned his love for me I could look at his unpierced body and know that he was staying clean and sober because he loved me. He quit drinking and smoking in the same year, we were married a year later and he was completely clean for 4 years. Then in January of this year our daughter was born and he was under a lot of stress trying to be a good father and support our family ( It was incredibly important to him that I stay home with our baby so she wasn’t being raised in a daycare, it was important to me too.) He started getting really edgy and begged me to let him pierce his tongue. I hate piercings and the promise he made to me years ago was incredibly important to me, so I said please don’t. I really need that visual reminder and he said okay. Then I discovered he had pierced his tongue and I broke down, I was afraid of what that could mean. He felt bad and took it out. And he promised me that he would keep it out as long as I needed him too, but said if I ever felt comfortable with it he would love to get a piercing again. Just so that he could feel more exciting. A few months later on our 3rd Wedding Anniversary I caught a glimpse of metal in his mouth when he was talking. I broke down and sobbed and ran out of the restaurant. He apologised and said that he pierced it again because he needed to do something wild to keep him feeling sane. I had a nervous breakdown, because he had broken his promise and because I was afraid if he started getting piercings again it would just go downhill again from there. I cried for hours and he cried and told me that he took it out and threw it on the road. Then a month later I was laying in bed with him and saw the bar in his tongue again. He noticed that I was staring at his mouth went into the bathroom took it out and came back. When he got back I told him that I saw the piercing and asked how he could do that to me. He lied straight to my face and said I was seeing things. The look on his face was completely innocent and natural. It really disturbed me how smoothly he lied. I told him that I very clearly saw that thing and I knew that he was lying. He denied it for about 15 minutes, left the room and came back. He admitted that he lied because he didn’t want to upset me and said he had repierced it after he threw it on the road because he needed to do something to break up the monotony. I cried all day and all night and told him I wasn’t sure I could stay married to a liar. The next day he had a nervous breakdown and apologised. He said he had been going through a relapse and had been lying to me for months. He pulled out a handful of tongue rings and threw them in the trash, and he admitted that he had lied to me about getting rid of his piercings. He said with the exception of the first time I caught him he had never really taken it out. He had never thrown it on the road. He took it out once and then lied about it the other times because he wanted to keep it in. Then he confessed he had started smoking again behind my back and had felt guilty about the lying but kept it up because he knew once he told me he would have to quit smoking and take the piercing out and he said the smoking and piercing were helping him because they were keeping him from drinking. He didn’t have to tell me about the smoking or lying about throwing it on the road. He didn’t have to tell me about the relapse so I think that he is telling the truth, but I don’t know how I can trust him because he lied so smoothly before. I‘m terrified. I‘m depressed and completely heart broken. I have never lied to my husband about anything. I understand that sometimes addicts relapse and I understand that addicts lie, but he was clean for so long and I never thought that he would lie to me like that. What would you do? I need a marriage built on trust. I need to be able to believe my husband. At the same time he came clean, I know that he has a disease, I really love him and we have a baby daughter together. What would you do? Have any of you survived lying in a marriage?

Chas answers:

Have you ever heard of paragraphs??????? They can really do wonders.

This is way too long to read…. Cut it down…. And I might read it.

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