August 19, 2011 | | Comments 0

You Asked About: How Do I Find Out If My Wife Is Having An Affair

Jenny asks…

I found out my wife was / is having an affair with a coworker?

About a month ago, I found my wife of 24 years has been having an affair with a coworker. She had exchanged upwards of 130 cell phone calls between them, openly lied to me when I asked her if she knew who the number belonged to (I had it verified). I asked her what she was going to do about it; and she said “I‘ll tell him we’re going to patch it up.” Now she has purchased a “pay as you go” cell phone plan, usually comes home about 4+ hours after she’s scheduled off work (but gets home just before I do) has been wearing “younger style clothing” and dousing herself with perfume more than usual. This is just tearing me up… I‘ve never cheated on her. Both of our kids are “adults” (one is late teens still living at home) I‘m going to try counseling, bu how will I ever trust her again?
I appreciate your input.
Thanks to all who have shared your comments and opinions. I have scheduled counseling appointments for “us”… I advised her that she is welcome to attend; but if she doesn’t, I will go myself. Her attitude has been that of Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde… sometimes positive and sometimes wanting to throw in the towel. I put my foot down and explained to her, in no uncertain terms, I cannot continue to live this way. I will give her her freedom if that is what she wants and continue on with my life. I would have to assume the counselor will pinpoint the true desire that she has (and me too). I believe she figured I would leave the home; but I told her it will be her… I am not leaving my home and our children… I didn’t step over the line and violate our vows and commitment.
Once again, thanks for your comments and welcome more… it’s going to be a path I‘ve never been on before…

Chas answers:

Your wife is still having the affair. The craving to be with her lover is so intense that she really doesn’t see that she may be permanently injuring her children and your relationship. The only thing that matters is spending more time with her lover.

I said the above in a way not to hurt you but so that you can see where her mind is right now which is not on ending the affair. If you want to remain in the relationship in hopes that she will end the affair , then I would believe that you should seek counseling with or without your partner so that when she is done, you will hopefully be at a point to forgive her. Also, counseling will be good because you don’t want this cruel indulgence of your wife’s to destroy who you are.

Counseling for the both of you, when she is ready, will help with trust issues which I believe would be some of the following:

1. Change job (separation from the co-worker)
2. No more communication with the co-worker
3. Account for time (you should know where she is at any given time until you are able to trust her again).
4. Spend time together

Please take care of yourself during this very difficult situation.

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