November 07, 2011 | | Comments 0

You Asked About: Is My Wife Having An Affair Signs

David asks…

How do I cope with this?

My wife of twenty+ years is having an emotional affair with no one. She is seeing things that are not there. For example, she will sign onto her youtube account and look at the recommended videos and she believes that they are the result of someone else trying to say something to her. She sees meaning in posts on facebook that are not there. Now, I know for a near certainty that there is no one trying to woo my wife. Although she has picked out a guy to focus on… I am certain he is unaware of it. I have tried to explain her that what she sees isn’t really there. There have been zero emails, messages, communications with this person yet she is certain that this relationship exists and that this other man is her one ‘true’ love. Actually, ‘true true’ love in her own words. We have been arguing about this for months now and I have set up a counseling session with a therapist to help her sort this out, hopefully… That session is three weeks away and I am slowly going insane. She will not drop this fantasy, it is very real to her. What hurts the worst is her unwillingness to defend her marriage vows. She says it ‘just happened’. That she didn’t go looking for it. She didn’t guard her heart for me as I have done for her. That really hurts, a lot. I am having a very hard time getting past this hurt. She is continually checking his facebook page throughout the day and she gets upset at me for being upset about it. I have asked her to fight for our marriage or please cut it off and leave. She says that she doesn’t want to leave me but she won’t let the love she has for this other man go. Well, she said it two weeks ago but then she just reclaimed it today or she was lying two weeks ago. I can’t be certain with her anymore. My trust in her has been crushed. She has never been adept at lying so I thought that when she let it go two weeks ago that she meant it. Maybe she did at the time. I dunno, perhaps she just learned how to lie. I am trying to keep this marriage together for at least another two years. We have to finish raising one child. I would rather have her as my lifetime partner but with this new twist I don’t know if I can trust her to guard her heart for me if we somehow manage to get beyond it.

A little history… We got married very young. I was 20 she was 18. We had our first child 2 yrs later then another quickly followed. Finances have always been tough. I have kept up constant employment and she would only work sparingly. She has real trouble keeping jobs, she doesn’t feel like going to work and calls off, the boss yells at her, coworkers gossip, the kids need her to stay at home. And I haven’t complained about it. The kids having a mother at home is worth it to me. But now one kid is out of the house and the other will be in a couple of years. She says that she needs to get a job and she looks, somewhat… Maybe one day out of the week. My family was NOT accepting of her at the outset. It took years for them to accept her and their reluctance to do so has really scarred her. I think that she blames me for it. I have backed her up though. We kept the kids away from my parents when my mother got abusive with my wife for months until they apologized. My wife was sexually molested by her grandfather at a very young age almost up to her teen years and her father was emotionally detached…for whatever reason. He still won’t own up to it today. So my wife has some serious man issues that she says I have helped her with. She says that she respects me yet she pulls this garbage on me. I know that I have not told the whole story here. I don’t think that I really can. Its twenty+ years. I can only pray that Jesus flips some switch and turns her brain back on. I am so hoping this therapy works.

Chas answers:

There is definately a mental health issue there. She is suffering from what they call ‘delusions’. Losing jobs is often a big sign of mental health issues too. The therapy will help! So will medication. I can’t understand how difficult this is for you to deal with all i can say is its not a case of she’s learnt to lie, she is unwell. She will honestly believe these things are true and will believe them when she says them. But later she may believe something else. Just try and hang in there, the therapy may take a while to help. It’s a real learning curve and she will need your love and support.
I hope things get better for you

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