July 30, 2011 | | Comments 0

You Asked About: Should I Let My Wife Have An Affair

Charles asks…

After 23 years together, 6 married, should I get a divorce?

My wife and I have never really had that lovey dovey type of relationship as far back to high school when we met. Or at least I don’t remember it. I have cheated countless times and she has had affairs over the years that I never knew about until much later. If I had I would have left then as these were relationships not flings. Why were we together during all this? I have no idea. We went about 6 years faithful then she wanted to see other guys. I didn’t want to but had no choice in the matter. That turned out to be a great summer for me when I accepted it and moved on. Then she did everything she could to get me back and for some reason I returned. Then a couple more years went by and she cheated again with some guy she worked with in a bar. I didn’t know but they all treated me like a jerk when I came in. A couple years later I figured it out but it was too late by then to do anything about it. I still can’t believe that she let these people treat me like this especially when I lived with her and was supposedly her friend. Being from a dysfunctional family I have been bred to protect and defend those close to me. I can’t believe she doesn’t care how others treat me. Over the years she has shown this type of disloyalty and never sticks up for me despite me disowning my family for not accepting her. I must admit that I have turned to other women for sex during the following years and feel slimy about it. I am not faultless by any means. She is a good person but lacks this protective nature. We finally got married after 18 years of being together. Sex is good even now but not great. She puts no effort, nor has she ever put effort into trying to be sexy or trying new things despite my many pleas to spice things up. I have begged her to show me that she cares about me but she just keeps going back to her complacent ways. I did try to leave after a year of engagement but she fought to stay. Not sure why. I think she loves the security and I have always thought that through the years. We now have a 5 year old son who we both adore. I never want to hurt him and am considering staying for him despite my desperate and lonely situation. I am also noticing that I am drinking more and more lately to numb myself which is scary as my father was an alcoholic. My wife has not worked in 6 years and barely worked for the 4 before that yet I never pressured her. Now she wants a new house and all the best things yet she refuses to take the initiative to get a career going.She has a B.S. Degree and I still pay for her college loans. I make a very good living and we live less than 5 blocks to one of the best beaches in Southern California, yes she is very spoiled. I just don’t know what the hell to do anymore. I should say that at 30 she got diabetes which was hard on her and still is at times but she has totally let it steal her life and acts like a retired person. I know this is long and kind of all over the place but if anyone has any advise I would love to hear from someone. I am 40 years old but look 30 am in great shape. I try to encourage her to work out too but she starts then quits and resents me saying anything about it. She has a naturally thin and busty body, she is blessed in this way but now it’s starting to sag so why not put a little effort in? She completes nothing that she starts. She is a great mom and I am not down playing that but I want a freaking wife back someday! Why does she get to quit being a wife? I ask her all the time to plan a date or a vacation or get a baby sitter which she never has. I take her and my son out every weekend for dinners, golf, movies, playing at the beach/park, whatever but no reciprocation. I get no energy or motivation from her and it is draining. Every time we have a long talk about this she starts crying in self pity and says how she wants to change but then we fall back into the same mode and nothing ever changes. My god I have to stop or I‘ll go all night. Any comments are greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening.

Chas answers:

I think your wife is USING you! She can’t be bothered with anything, not even looking for a baby sitter. She has been so used to your doing everything that she doesn’t have to lift a finger. BTW, when she starts this crying stuff or this diabetes stuff, she is manipulating you. I know. I am a woman.

I think that you should get divorced and I don’t say this lightly. You are putting 110% into this relationship while she does NOTHING! Would she still be a terrific mom if you weren’t living there? Of course! Do you think that your staying there and subjecting your son to this dysfunctional behavior is not affecting him? Noooo!

Even your comment gives you away. “You want a freaking wife back ‘someday.'” This is soooo dysfunctional. NOT SOMEDAY….NOW!! You want a freaking wife NOW!!!

I don’t mean to put you down. I only state this to point out your inconsistencies. Your behavior is the direct result of your family’s dysfunctional relationships. Go ahead. BLAME THEM!! They ARE the cause. You just have to keep what you know is right in your heart and do what is proper for your son’s and your own mental health.

Your wife KNOWS that you will bend to help her because that’s what you were trained to do by your parents. To put someone else’s needs before your own. Stand up for yourself today! It’s ok. I think living alone would be a lot easier than this roller coaster of frustration you are on now.

BTW, what disrespect she showed you when she allowed STRANGERS to “dis” you in public (at that bar). Ugh!!!!

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