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September 29, 2011 | | Comments 0

You Asked About: Signs Of My Wife Having An Affair

Maria asks…

Wife is using kids to her advantage. I can’t walk out on my kids. I don’t want them to have separated parents

Married 4 about 6 years now. She’s had 1 affair on me. We worked it out but it created a serious jealoulsy problem 4 me. So after about a year, she took all she could take. I questioned her all the time, looked through her phone ect…So she decided she was going to leave me, but never quite would commit 2 it, she would get a place, make an appointment to sign 4 it, then she’d say she was scared 2 leave cause we were best friends. She felt like she lost her feelings 4 me. So, I changed, I fixed the jealousy problem, I have done very well. But still, She shows me VERY little attention, sex is RARE, never unless I start it. She is on her phone with her girlfriends or on the PC most of the time from when she gets home till bed. If I address the fact that she is on them all the time….she snaps. Gives me the whole “this is my time” and “it’s not hurting anything.” And she’s a bitch. “I get the whole u pay me 2 much Attention.” I love her but this shit gets OLD. Thoughts??
We have 2 kids 6 yr old girl and a 5 yr old boy. She knows I am crazy over them and knows that my #1 priority in life is to have a family that’s together and healthy and happy. It’s like I would sacrafice my happiness for them. But god it just gets old not getting any attention or feeling wanted. I mean she tells me she loves me and hugs and kisses on me a little, but it’s kind of like it doesn’t really make that big of a difference if i am around or not. Like I would love to do stuff with her, go places , concerts ect…she would a lot of the times rather go with her friends. I have friends, but I would rather go with her. I definitely don’t consider myself overboard, overcrowding her or smothering her, at all. But she just seems to feel like I show her too much attention or am too nice and loving! What the hell is wrong with her?

Chas answers:

Hi there. First off, sorry you are going through a difficult situation. Hang in there. It will pass and your attitude determines how you will get through it…for the better or for the worst. It’s all in how YOU approach it.

Now, on to your situation. Figure out why your wife HAD the affair to begin with. If it was something she felt she wasn’t getting from you and you resolved those issues, move on. You have already moved past your jealousy issues. Great job! That is one extremely difficult thing to do, and you were able to overcome! I’m proud of you, and you should be as well.

Your wife seems to be feeling smothered. Whether YOU think you are smothering her or not is not the issue. That is what SHE is feeling.

You have a right to want love and affection from your wife. That should be freely given, not withheld just to punish you. She is in the wrong for this. Everyone needs love and affection, whether it is from their spouse or someone else. Keep in mind, me saying this does NOT mean that a spouse should be getting in on with someone else. What I am saying is, the amount of love and affection (hugs, sharing thoughts and feelings, closeness etc. With personal boundaries) varies between person to person.

Your wife is obviously confused. This is verified by her actions of being able to commit being away from you. She does NOT WANT to be away from you, but is having trouble expressing her set of boundaries to you. Again, everyone has their OWN boundaries. She needs to learn how to communicate these to you. If she feels like she can’t, she will act upon that belief. She is seeking support for her feelings from her friends and temporary mental sanity from being on the computer. This is not your fault, as there is no blame here. This is YOUR problem that you would like to be spending time with her, and your way of communicating this to her is coming out through negative emotions (nagging, complaining, etc.) When a person feels that their boundaries are being violated (even if and when they can’t communicate them effectively) they will protect their boundaries. Sometimes this is done through withdrawal of affection, sex, etc. She feels you do not respect her boundaries, so she is not going to cross them to please you. Get what I am saying? It is kind of confusing, but keep an open mind.

YOUR boundaries of not wanting to be bitched at and wanting her love and affection need to be communicated to her healthily. It is obvious this is not being done, hence your current circumstance.

Perhaps going to counseling or having someone else who is able to be impartial can help the two of you learn to effectively communicate your boundaries and needs to one another. Right now you are BOTH feeling unheard and disrespected. It does NOT need to be that way.

It is not in your power or control to determine what is best for her. Only in your power to determine what is best for you. You then let her know in a calm, respectful manner the needs that you have, and ask her if she is able to meet these needs. She needs to do the same for you.

Too many married couples believe that since they have been together for so long that their partner has the ability to read their mind. Very incorrect way of thinking. Only the individual knows what is in their head. Actions can contradict this and lead to confusion. This is where effective communication is key. You as an individual can determine what comes out of your mouth in what way. When you talk purely out of emotion, actual thoughts get misconstrued by the feelings that come out by a reaction to the emotions. Listen to WHAT is being said, not HOW.

You two ARE best friends. Partners. You are just having difficulty because of hurt FEELINGS on both parts communicating your needs. Set the feelings aside and address your needs. She cannot MAKE you happy and you cannot make her happy. Happiness comes from within. Do not rely on others to determine your moods or self worth. Rely on what is inside YOU.

Good luck to you and I hope this helps. Please share this with her, and if you would like to e-mail me privately, I am more than happy to explain things more to you.

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